Answering "Why" Questions
12/22/09: "I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke (1903)
One of the most common phrases I hear as a therapist is "I don't know why _______", which is usually accompanied by confusion, outrage, or fear. What I also notice is that in a vast majority of these situations the person has not actually tried to seriously answer the question.
We have unbelievable resources of information available to us at all times, and when we decide to actually put it to use, it is amazing what can happen. When I help my clients slow down and actually answer the why questions, they almost all have the answer within 30 seconds. When they don't, they will at least get closer by taking the time to explore a little deeper.
If you get stuck trying to answer a why question, take a moment to clear your mind and get focused on your breathing. Once you feel more relaxed, ask yourself the why question out loud and let every possible answer flow without censorship. Inevitably one of the first three is your answer. If that doesn't work, really examine the history and development of the people or things involved, there should at least be some clues there.
And if neither of those work, or if you're working on a really big one, perhaps it's better to listen to Rilke.
One of the most common phrases I hear as a therapist is "I don't know why _______", which is usually accompanied by confusion, outrage, or fear. What I also notice is that in a vast majority of these situations the person has not actually tried to seriously answer the question.
We have unbelievable resources of information available to us at all times, and when we decide to actually put it to use, it is amazing what can happen. When I help my clients slow down and actually answer the why questions, they almost all have the answer within 30 seconds. When they don't, they will at least get closer by taking the time to explore a little deeper.
If you get stuck trying to answer a why question, take a moment to clear your mind and get focused on your breathing. Once you feel more relaxed, ask yourself the why question out loud and let every possible answer flow without censorship. Inevitably one of the first three is your answer. If that doesn't work, really examine the history and development of the people or things involved, there should at least be some clues there.
And if neither of those work, or if you're working on a really big one, perhaps it's better to listen to Rilke.
