Defective-Self Complex
07/17/11: It is very common for people to wonder, worry, or be convinced that something is "wrong" with them, or that they are defective in some way. The following is a brief overview of this, and ideas on how to move forward from it.
Normal vs Defective
One of the most common issues I have seen with clients coming to counseling is a fear or certainty that something is "wrong" with them. For people that worry that something could possibly be wrong with them I use the term "fear of a defective-self". This usually comes along with some feelings of inferiority, insecurities, and anxiety. For people that are convinced something is wrong with them, I use the term "defective-self complex". This looks the same as the previous, but often has a level of distress associated with it that is more significant, it is more ingrained in the person's identity, and there is often either a search to get confirmation about the defect, or an attachment to something they have heard that explains it.
We all have things about us that we don't like, struggle with, or have concerns about; but the idea of something being "wrong" is a much more loaded issue. Defective self fears and complexes are usually about the idea that something deep in the person's character is flawed to the point of being permanent, untreatable, and hopeless, in contrast to something that is understandable, manageable, and normal.
Diagnosis
Part of the problem here is that the medical culture in the United States is arranged around identifying and treating diseases or other things that have gone "wrong" with the body. However, for psychological issues there are a variety of ways to view the idea of problems and diagnosis, which I have outlined here (Diagnosing Mental Disorders). Aside from the medical model explanation, others like the social construction model take a broad approach to understanding people, and favors normalizing things rather than pathologizing them.
Another issue with defective self issues is related to experiencing rejection or high levels of shame from parents, family, or peers growing up. When we are younger we often behave more impulsively and "are who we are" more freely. That changes for everyone when we learn that the culture does not find some thing acceptable, and we have to change or hide them. This can go well, but if we learn those lessons in very hard ways, or even have someone explicitly tell us "something is wrong with you!" then it can lead to larger issues with this later.
Another path is in a misreading of the social world. Often, I hear my clients compare themselves to someone that is "normal", and the definition of the normal person is simply someone that does not have said problem. Comparing ourselves to others is one of the primary ways all people make judgments about their lives. However, there are several mistakes in comparing ourselves to others for this kind of stuff.
First, most people don't actually know for sure whether the "normal" person does not struggle with the same issue, since it is often based on superficial observation, compared to a really deep connection and understand of him/her. This is flawed because human beings are really good at making things appear to be positive on the surface, even if under the surface there are problems or imperfections. Second, it does not take into account that the "normal person" would have problems in other areas instead of the one in question, which they do.
So overall this is a paradox: the problem is that there is not a problem but you are convinced there is.
Improvement
I often tell my clients that worry about having something wrong with them that "if something is wrong with you then something is wrong with everyone", since everyone has some kind of problems, insecurities, and weaknesses; which would then make the person normal by default. Additionally, a client of mine once wisely said that he "needs to stop comparing (his) inside to others' outsides". I like both of these ideas a lot and they are related to the steps to working on defective self issues. Some possible steps are outlined below:
1. Identifying the Problem: If there are legitimate things that you want to improve, then it is important to specifically identify those and work on them. Not being able to identify those can often lead to defective self fears, but the reality is that many personal issues can be improved on with the right ideas or help. Once you identify some of the problems, taking steps to improve them would come next.
2. Exploring Alternatives: instead of drawing the conclusion that something is "wrong" with us, we can look for other possibilities. Perhaps the issue is controllable and manageable but has yet to be identified; or that everyone feels or acts like this sometimes.
3. Self-Acceptance: Regardless of the personal issues we have, one of the most important things we can do is accept ourselves for who we really are; good, bad, and ugly. I often update the conventional wisdom that "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" by saying "you have to accept yourself before you can love yourself before you can love someone else". This basically means acknowledgement of all of our personality traits, past, present and future actions, thoughts, and feelings; without judgment or criticism; and making peace with the reality that you will never be "perfect". You can read more on this here (Developing Self Compassion) or here (Universal Curative Processes).
4. Accepting Others: Once we are able to do that for ourselves, and recognize that nothing is necessarily "wrong" with us, but that we have problems just like everyone else, then we can pass along acceptance and understanding to those around us as well. You can read more about this here (Increasing Happiness). To me, the real healing from feeling defective is to accept the weaknesses and issues of others without judgment and criticism, but with compassion.
Normal vs Defective
One of the most common issues I have seen with clients coming to counseling is a fear or certainty that something is "wrong" with them. For people that worry that something could possibly be wrong with them I use the term "fear of a defective-self". This usually comes along with some feelings of inferiority, insecurities, and anxiety. For people that are convinced something is wrong with them, I use the term "defective-self complex". This looks the same as the previous, but often has a level of distress associated with it that is more significant, it is more ingrained in the person's identity, and there is often either a search to get confirmation about the defect, or an attachment to something they have heard that explains it.
We all have things about us that we don't like, struggle with, or have concerns about; but the idea of something being "wrong" is a much more loaded issue. Defective self fears and complexes are usually about the idea that something deep in the person's character is flawed to the point of being permanent, untreatable, and hopeless, in contrast to something that is understandable, manageable, and normal.
Diagnosis
Part of the problem here is that the medical culture in the United States is arranged around identifying and treating diseases or other things that have gone "wrong" with the body. However, for psychological issues there are a variety of ways to view the idea of problems and diagnosis, which I have outlined here (Diagnosing Mental Disorders). Aside from the medical model explanation, others like the social construction model take a broad approach to understanding people, and favors normalizing things rather than pathologizing them.
Another issue with defective self issues is related to experiencing rejection or high levels of shame from parents, family, or peers growing up. When we are younger we often behave more impulsively and "are who we are" more freely. That changes for everyone when we learn that the culture does not find some thing acceptable, and we have to change or hide them. This can go well, but if we learn those lessons in very hard ways, or even have someone explicitly tell us "something is wrong with you!" then it can lead to larger issues with this later.
Another path is in a misreading of the social world. Often, I hear my clients compare themselves to someone that is "normal", and the definition of the normal person is simply someone that does not have said problem. Comparing ourselves to others is one of the primary ways all people make judgments about their lives. However, there are several mistakes in comparing ourselves to others for this kind of stuff.
First, most people don't actually know for sure whether the "normal" person does not struggle with the same issue, since it is often based on superficial observation, compared to a really deep connection and understand of him/her. This is flawed because human beings are really good at making things appear to be positive on the surface, even if under the surface there are problems or imperfections. Second, it does not take into account that the "normal person" would have problems in other areas instead of the one in question, which they do.
So overall this is a paradox: the problem is that there is not a problem but you are convinced there is.
Improvement
I often tell my clients that worry about having something wrong with them that "if something is wrong with you then something is wrong with everyone", since everyone has some kind of problems, insecurities, and weaknesses; which would then make the person normal by default. Additionally, a client of mine once wisely said that he "needs to stop comparing (his) inside to others' outsides". I like both of these ideas a lot and they are related to the steps to working on defective self issues. Some possible steps are outlined below:
1. Identifying the Problem: If there are legitimate things that you want to improve, then it is important to specifically identify those and work on them. Not being able to identify those can often lead to defective self fears, but the reality is that many personal issues can be improved on with the right ideas or help. Once you identify some of the problems, taking steps to improve them would come next.
2. Exploring Alternatives: instead of drawing the conclusion that something is "wrong" with us, we can look for other possibilities. Perhaps the issue is controllable and manageable but has yet to be identified; or that everyone feels or acts like this sometimes.
3. Self-Acceptance: Regardless of the personal issues we have, one of the most important things we can do is accept ourselves for who we really are; good, bad, and ugly. I often update the conventional wisdom that "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" by saying "you have to accept yourself before you can love yourself before you can love someone else". This basically means acknowledgement of all of our personality traits, past, present and future actions, thoughts, and feelings; without judgment or criticism; and making peace with the reality that you will never be "perfect". You can read more on this here (Developing Self Compassion) or here (Universal Curative Processes).
4. Accepting Others: Once we are able to do that for ourselves, and recognize that nothing is necessarily "wrong" with us, but that we have problems just like everyone else, then we can pass along acceptance and understanding to those around us as well. You can read more about this here (Increasing Happiness). To me, the real healing from feeling defective is to accept the weaknesses and issues of others without judgment and criticism, but with compassion.
