Dependency Needs
We all have some basic needs in relationships that are important for us to be healthy. Some of these are particular to us (certain levels of control, trust, or ways of communicating), but there is a basic set of these that we all have that are generally referred to as "dependency needs" (companionship, affection, and support). This post will cover each of these in more depth.
Dependency Needs Across the Lifespan
A "dependency need" is something that we need to be healthy that we cannot provide ourselves. Meaning, we are dependent on others to provide it. When we are first born into the world, almost every need except for oxygen, is a dependency need. An infant is dependent on caregivers for food, comfort, bathing, and care. As we get older, these needs change because we learn to provide some of these things for ourselves. However, as adults, there is still a universal set of dependency needs that remain, which we ultimately cannot ever provide ourselves. These are
1. Companionship / Belonging
2. Affection (Verbal and Physical)
3. Emotional Support
For couples, these needs are ideally met in the partnership. Strong couples are able to be good companions (sharing their lives together), give verbal and physical affection (affirmations, hugs, sexual intimacy, etc), and emotional support (being there to help during tough times). Both members of a couple usually get used to depending on the other for these needs, and when they are not met, or the couple breaks up, part of the distress is that these needs are no longer being met. For a good model on fulfilling these in your relationship, read "Minding Your Relationship".
Individuals that are not currently in a partnership need to have these met in other ways. Usually a lot of these can occur in strong bonds with friends and family. A good example would be a group of friends or a family that knows you well, gives big hugs when they see you, always get your back and know the right thing to say when you are under stress, and make you feel like you have an important place in their lives.
When Dependency Needs Are Not Met
The results of these needs not being met are different depending on the individual on where he or she is in life. If these needs are not met when we are children, it can lead to longer lasting problems relating to others. As adults, not having these met adequately leads to feelings of loneliness and sometimes can move into hopelessness or depression. Most adults can manage some periods of time without these being adequately met, but it is important for our overall health that they are attended to.
Unfortunately, many family cultures and role expectations in the United States dismiss the importance of these needs, and instill values that not needing these things is somehow a superior way of being. When a person holds these values, and these needs are not met, there can be a compounded level of shame and distress, which is more complicated to work through.
Generally, counseling can be very helpful for people wanting to understand dependency needs, and find healthy ways of meeting them in life.
Dependency Needs Across the Lifespan
A "dependency need" is something that we need to be healthy that we cannot provide ourselves. Meaning, we are dependent on others to provide it. When we are first born into the world, almost every need except for oxygen, is a dependency need. An infant is dependent on caregivers for food, comfort, bathing, and care. As we get older, these needs change because we learn to provide some of these things for ourselves. However, as adults, there is still a universal set of dependency needs that remain, which we ultimately cannot ever provide ourselves. These are
1. Companionship / Belonging
2. Affection (Verbal and Physical)
3. Emotional Support
For couples, these needs are ideally met in the partnership. Strong couples are able to be good companions (sharing their lives together), give verbal and physical affection (affirmations, hugs, sexual intimacy, etc), and emotional support (being there to help during tough times). Both members of a couple usually get used to depending on the other for these needs, and when they are not met, or the couple breaks up, part of the distress is that these needs are no longer being met. For a good model on fulfilling these in your relationship, read "Minding Your Relationship".
Individuals that are not currently in a partnership need to have these met in other ways. Usually a lot of these can occur in strong bonds with friends and family. A good example would be a group of friends or a family that knows you well, gives big hugs when they see you, always get your back and know the right thing to say when you are under stress, and make you feel like you have an important place in their lives.
When Dependency Needs Are Not Met
The results of these needs not being met are different depending on the individual on where he or she is in life. If these needs are not met when we are children, it can lead to longer lasting problems relating to others. As adults, not having these met adequately leads to feelings of loneliness and sometimes can move into hopelessness or depression. Most adults can manage some periods of time without these being adequately met, but it is important for our overall health that they are attended to.
Unfortunately, many family cultures and role expectations in the United States dismiss the importance of these needs, and instill values that not needing these things is somehow a superior way of being. When a person holds these values, and these needs are not met, there can be a compounded level of shame and distress, which is more complicated to work through.
Generally, counseling can be very helpful for people wanting to understand dependency needs, and find healthy ways of meeting them in life.
