Developing Self-Compassion
8/13/10: Although some people view human nature as inherently cruel and selfish, we are capable of incredible acts of kindness and compassion. Unfortunately, for many people, that kindness does not extend to the self (or sometimes loved ones) as often as it does for a child in need, a stranger in distress, or an injured animal. I hope the following post can help to illuminate how to develop self-compassion, and deepen the ability to be compassionate for others.
Relational Emotions
Psychologists sometimes refer to the family of emotions that moves us to help, understand, and nurture others as 'relational emotions'. They are things that many of us do intuitively, and the most commonly experienced of these (empathy, sympathy, compassion) are defined below.
In the chart above you can see three distinct processes and experiences in relating to someone else that is in distress. We will use a classic example of talking with someone that has just experienced the loss of a loved one.
First, empathy is essentially the process of being in tune with, and experiencing the same feelings as the other person. Basically when you put yourself in someone's shoes you are giving yourself a chance for empathy. It would mean really trying to touch the experience of grieving within yourself to attune to the person. This is a key ingredient for the best helping relationships. If we cannot experience what the other person is experiencing, it is hard to truly understand them. One barrier for empathy can be our own discomfort with experiencing those feelings.
Sympathy is different because this is feeling sorrow or concern for the person, rather than feeling what they are feeling. For the current example if you "feel sad" for, or "sorry" for the person, you are experiencing and expressing sympathy. Often with sympathy we are compelled to help the person if we can.
Compassion is feeling care and warmth for the person. Allowing yourself to cry with the person, comforting them in some way, understanding their perspective (even if you disagree), and being accepting and validating their feelings are acts of compassion. With compassion we are in a state of acceptance, love, and care for the other.
New research is showing that these processes have distinct physiological patterns and are a product of our evolution. The thinking is that empathy, sympathy, and compassion were originally successful strategies in caring for the young, then became something desirable in mate selection, and also facilitated group cooperation. So basically people who were compassionate were more successful at the evolution game (survival and reproduction), and we are their descendants.
Self-Compassion
However, it is a cruel twist of fate for us that we can much more easily have these feelings for other people, often complete strangers, but often don't feel them for ourselves or those closest to us.
In place of compassion for ourselves, we often have three responses: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption. Essentially, we experience shame, guilt, disappointment, and anger. We beat ourselves up for the very things that we have understanding and warmth for in others. We isolate ourselves from our supporters, and we get stuck in a cycle of ruminating or avoiding the thing that caused it. (See "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer for more on this).
This does not have to be so, and self-compassion gives us an alternative. Kristin Neff (researcher at UT-Austin) believes there are three key components of self-compassion. First is self-kindness, which essentially means being warm and understanding toward our own pain, rather than ignoring it or self-flagellating. Second is common humanity, which means recognizing that our pain, imperfections, or mistakes are part of a universal experience of being human, rather than being alone and unique in it. Finally, "mindfulness" (read more here) means taking a receptive and non-judgmental stance toward emotions that may be present, and responding in ways that are balanced rather than extreme.
To me, the key ingredient is the most basic fact of life that is so simple that it almost seems ridiculous to type: we are all human and imperfect. My clients generally respond to developing self-compassion in two basic steps:
1. Acceptance of Being Human and Imperfect
Anyone who is able to read this post obviously knows this, yet do you truly accept this for yourself? When you can really look in the mirror and say "I am a human being and I am not perfect, and that is OK" and actually feel OK, you are ready for step 2. If not, you need to do some work here first.
2. Accessing Compassion During Distress
The good news is that almost everyone can instinctively feel compassion for others, and the trick is to apply it to ourselves. Next time you are in some kind of distress and either feeling down or beating yourself up, try and let yourself feel some compassion. See if you can say "it's OK, I'm human, and we all make mistakes" like the way the best parent would to their child going through the same thing. Emotionally giving yourself a hug rather than a kick while you're down. This may seem a bit cheesy, but give it real a shot. When it works you will be having a breakthrough toward a better emotional life.
Deepening Compassion for Others
If you are someone that finds yourself struggling to have any of the above feelings happen for you, and instead you find yourself standing in judgment, becoming angry and irritated, or in a state of disgust with someone, then this is your ticket to a better life. Some of the ultimate heroes of love, peace, and justice (Gandhi, Jesus, etc) were masters of compassion for the sick, evil, and poor. If you find yourself in your standard stance of coldness, dismissal, or even hatred, try moving into each of the three pieces above.
How does this person feel? Can I feel sad for them? Can I feel care for them?
If you can, try moving toward the person rather than away. This act of compassion and courage will improve your relationships, help you be more comfortable with all kinds of experiences, and feel better about your own life.
Relational Emotions
Psychologists sometimes refer to the family of emotions that moves us to help, understand, and nurture others as 'relational emotions'. They are things that many of us do intuitively, and the most commonly experienced of these (empathy, sympathy, compassion) are defined below.
In the chart above you can see three distinct processes and experiences in relating to someone else that is in distress. We will use a classic example of talking with someone that has just experienced the loss of a loved one.
First, empathy is essentially the process of being in tune with, and experiencing the same feelings as the other person. Basically when you put yourself in someone's shoes you are giving yourself a chance for empathy. It would mean really trying to touch the experience of grieving within yourself to attune to the person. This is a key ingredient for the best helping relationships. If we cannot experience what the other person is experiencing, it is hard to truly understand them. One barrier for empathy can be our own discomfort with experiencing those feelings.
Sympathy is different because this is feeling sorrow or concern for the person, rather than feeling what they are feeling. For the current example if you "feel sad" for, or "sorry" for the person, you are experiencing and expressing sympathy. Often with sympathy we are compelled to help the person if we can.
Compassion is feeling care and warmth for the person. Allowing yourself to cry with the person, comforting them in some way, understanding their perspective (even if you disagree), and being accepting and validating their feelings are acts of compassion. With compassion we are in a state of acceptance, love, and care for the other.
New research is showing that these processes have distinct physiological patterns and are a product of our evolution. The thinking is that empathy, sympathy, and compassion were originally successful strategies in caring for the young, then became something desirable in mate selection, and also facilitated group cooperation. So basically people who were compassionate were more successful at the evolution game (survival and reproduction), and we are their descendants.
Self-Compassion
However, it is a cruel twist of fate for us that we can much more easily have these feelings for other people, often complete strangers, but often don't feel them for ourselves or those closest to us.
In place of compassion for ourselves, we often have three responses: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption. Essentially, we experience shame, guilt, disappointment, and anger. We beat ourselves up for the very things that we have understanding and warmth for in others. We isolate ourselves from our supporters, and we get stuck in a cycle of ruminating or avoiding the thing that caused it. (See "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer for more on this).
This does not have to be so, and self-compassion gives us an alternative. Kristin Neff (researcher at UT-Austin) believes there are three key components of self-compassion. First is self-kindness, which essentially means being warm and understanding toward our own pain, rather than ignoring it or self-flagellating. Second is common humanity, which means recognizing that our pain, imperfections, or mistakes are part of a universal experience of being human, rather than being alone and unique in it. Finally, "mindfulness" (read more here) means taking a receptive and non-judgmental stance toward emotions that may be present, and responding in ways that are balanced rather than extreme.
To me, the key ingredient is the most basic fact of life that is so simple that it almost seems ridiculous to type: we are all human and imperfect. My clients generally respond to developing self-compassion in two basic steps:
1. Acceptance of Being Human and Imperfect
Anyone who is able to read this post obviously knows this, yet do you truly accept this for yourself? When you can really look in the mirror and say "I am a human being and I am not perfect, and that is OK" and actually feel OK, you are ready for step 2. If not, you need to do some work here first.
2. Accessing Compassion During Distress
The good news is that almost everyone can instinctively feel compassion for others, and the trick is to apply it to ourselves. Next time you are in some kind of distress and either feeling down or beating yourself up, try and let yourself feel some compassion. See if you can say "it's OK, I'm human, and we all make mistakes" like the way the best parent would to their child going through the same thing. Emotionally giving yourself a hug rather than a kick while you're down. This may seem a bit cheesy, but give it real a shot. When it works you will be having a breakthrough toward a better emotional life.
Deepening Compassion for Others
If you are someone that finds yourself struggling to have any of the above feelings happen for you, and instead you find yourself standing in judgment, becoming angry and irritated, or in a state of disgust with someone, then this is your ticket to a better life. Some of the ultimate heroes of love, peace, and justice (Gandhi, Jesus, etc) were masters of compassion for the sick, evil, and poor. If you find yourself in your standard stance of coldness, dismissal, or even hatred, try moving into each of the three pieces above.
How does this person feel? Can I feel sad for them? Can I feel care for them?
If you can, try moving toward the person rather than away. This act of compassion and courage will improve your relationships, help you be more comfortable with all kinds of experiences, and feel better about your own life.
