Extreme Language
05/27/11: Linguists has been debating for many years about how language helps construct our view of reality. The following is a brief overview of how word choice can help create problems, as well as resolve them.
Constructing Reality
Have you ever wondered about how you actually construct reality in your mind? How do you know what is actually happening at this very moment in the room you are in? Most cognitive scientists focus on how sensory information (sight, hearing, etc) is integrated with memories and knowledge into a cohesive picture of the world. So without thinking hard about it, you know you are reading a blog post on a computer in a room that is a certain temperature and a chair that feels a certain way. Linguists (people who study language) are more interested in how words construct how we experience the world, something called "linguistic relativity". They don't just believe that words allow us to communicate our experience to others, but that the words themselves can shape the experience.
For example, think of a time another car darted in front of you in traffic. There are many ways to describe this situation. One might be something like "I was almost killed today when some jerk cut me off!" Another description of the same event might be "There was a pretty dangerous situation on the road today when another driver merged in front of me pretty quickly and without notice." For many people, the first description is going to produce more anger, whereas the other may produce a more moderated concern, yet both of them are true.
Based on this, we can start to look at how language either exaggerates a situation and the related emotions, or how it may be used to construct a less extreme narrative, thus reducing some of the strength of the associated emotions and reactions. In therapy, I focus on three major areas of this: hyperbole, exaggerations, and dichotomous language. I call these things "extreme language". The hope is that recognizing this usage and making changes gives us more control over how we describe events and ourselves, giving us a new tool in feeling better and improving our lives.
Hyperbole
Anytime you use a figure of speech to describe something, you are using hyperbole. An example would be picking up a package and saying "this weighs a ton!" rather than "this weighs about 25 pounds". The former would perpetuate or create a feeling of exasperation, but is clearly not in touch with reality since the package didn't weigh a ton, it weighed about 25 pounds. I often hear clients say things like "I'm falling apart", "I'm as big as a whale", or "when he said that I just died". Unfortunately, when these phrases roll around in our minds, or when they are verbalized, they perpetuate a distorted view of reality.
Exaggerations
Closely aligned with hyperbole is exaggerated language and speech. Essentially, anytime we are using words or phrases that characterize something as more dramatic or significant than it really is, we are using exaggerated speech. Examples of this include "yesterday I didn't do anything", "my brain is totally useless", "she just went off on me!", or "he's being a total psycho!". Again, in rare cases these things may be true, but it is more likely that they are distortions of reality, which again, perpetuate the exaggerated emotions and reactions associated with them.
Dichotomous Language
If you use words like "never", "always", or "every time", then you are using dichotomous language. Occasionally using words like this captures reality, but it is more likely that they do not. For example, in my office I often hear couples saying things like "you never consider my feelings" or "you always say that same useless thing rather than try and help". These statements usually get defensive responses back, and if those things were true, who would want to stay in a relationship like that? More thoughtful statements would be "you don't consider my feelings as much as I would like" or "you often say that same thing to try and help, but it's not generally very helpful for me". Both of these are more in touch with reality, are less likely to get the level of reactivity as the original phrases, and can reduce the exaggerated crisis
In Therapy
To summarize so far, our language helps to construct and shape our experience and understanding of reality. When thoughtfully describing a situation, we have emotions and reactions that are going to be more accurately attuned to things. However, if we use extreme language (hyperbole, exaggerations, and dichotomous language), then we will have emotions and thoughts that are distorted.
In counseling, I often help my clients do three things related to this stuff. The result is almost always surprise, laughter, and interest in how changing language can help quickly change the way we feel and react to things in the world. The best thing about this is that we have control over the language we use, making this applicable immediately. The following are the three elements that I most frequently suggest for clients that are interested in this stuff.
1. Observe Your Words: The first thing to do is start attending to the way you tell stories to yourself and other about thoughts, feelings, and events, especially noting your use of extreme language. When you make these observations, check into how saying those things makes you feel.
2. Define Words: If you are using intense words to describe something, make sure you are clear on how you actually define them. What does it really mean to be "acting crazy" or "totally out of control"? Probably not what you really meant.
3. Describe Accurately: The real change is made when we can construct a more thoughtful picture by choosing more appropriate language to describe things. One of the tricks associated with this include using qualifiers like "most", "sometimes", or "usually". Try to take that original way of describing something and instead transform it into the most accurate description you can. Then note how you feel about it after using the new description. I refer to these descriptions generally as using "moderated language".
The graphic below represents the progress someone can make in counseling in implementing some of these things and being more conscious about how language is used.
Although a lot of this can be done by anyone independently, counseling is a great way to work on this in more depth.
Constructing Reality
Have you ever wondered about how you actually construct reality in your mind? How do you know what is actually happening at this very moment in the room you are in? Most cognitive scientists focus on how sensory information (sight, hearing, etc) is integrated with memories and knowledge into a cohesive picture of the world. So without thinking hard about it, you know you are reading a blog post on a computer in a room that is a certain temperature and a chair that feels a certain way. Linguists (people who study language) are more interested in how words construct how we experience the world, something called "linguistic relativity". They don't just believe that words allow us to communicate our experience to others, but that the words themselves can shape the experience.
For example, think of a time another car darted in front of you in traffic. There are many ways to describe this situation. One might be something like "I was almost killed today when some jerk cut me off!" Another description of the same event might be "There was a pretty dangerous situation on the road today when another driver merged in front of me pretty quickly and without notice." For many people, the first description is going to produce more anger, whereas the other may produce a more moderated concern, yet both of them are true.
Based on this, we can start to look at how language either exaggerates a situation and the related emotions, or how it may be used to construct a less extreme narrative, thus reducing some of the strength of the associated emotions and reactions. In therapy, I focus on three major areas of this: hyperbole, exaggerations, and dichotomous language. I call these things "extreme language". The hope is that recognizing this usage and making changes gives us more control over how we describe events and ourselves, giving us a new tool in feeling better and improving our lives.
Hyperbole
Anytime you use a figure of speech to describe something, you are using hyperbole. An example would be picking up a package and saying "this weighs a ton!" rather than "this weighs about 25 pounds". The former would perpetuate or create a feeling of exasperation, but is clearly not in touch with reality since the package didn't weigh a ton, it weighed about 25 pounds. I often hear clients say things like "I'm falling apart", "I'm as big as a whale", or "when he said that I just died". Unfortunately, when these phrases roll around in our minds, or when they are verbalized, they perpetuate a distorted view of reality.
Exaggerations
Closely aligned with hyperbole is exaggerated language and speech. Essentially, anytime we are using words or phrases that characterize something as more dramatic or significant than it really is, we are using exaggerated speech. Examples of this include "yesterday I didn't do anything", "my brain is totally useless", "she just went off on me!", or "he's being a total psycho!". Again, in rare cases these things may be true, but it is more likely that they are distortions of reality, which again, perpetuate the exaggerated emotions and reactions associated with them.
Dichotomous Language
If you use words like "never", "always", or "every time", then you are using dichotomous language. Occasionally using words like this captures reality, but it is more likely that they do not. For example, in my office I often hear couples saying things like "you never consider my feelings" or "you always say that same useless thing rather than try and help". These statements usually get defensive responses back, and if those things were true, who would want to stay in a relationship like that? More thoughtful statements would be "you don't consider my feelings as much as I would like" or "you often say that same thing to try and help, but it's not generally very helpful for me". Both of these are more in touch with reality, are less likely to get the level of reactivity as the original phrases, and can reduce the exaggerated crisis
In Therapy
To summarize so far, our language helps to construct and shape our experience and understanding of reality. When thoughtfully describing a situation, we have emotions and reactions that are going to be more accurately attuned to things. However, if we use extreme language (hyperbole, exaggerations, and dichotomous language), then we will have emotions and thoughts that are distorted.
In counseling, I often help my clients do three things related to this stuff. The result is almost always surprise, laughter, and interest in how changing language can help quickly change the way we feel and react to things in the world. The best thing about this is that we have control over the language we use, making this applicable immediately. The following are the three elements that I most frequently suggest for clients that are interested in this stuff.
1. Observe Your Words: The first thing to do is start attending to the way you tell stories to yourself and other about thoughts, feelings, and events, especially noting your use of extreme language. When you make these observations, check into how saying those things makes you feel.
2. Define Words: If you are using intense words to describe something, make sure you are clear on how you actually define them. What does it really mean to be "acting crazy" or "totally out of control"? Probably not what you really meant.
3. Describe Accurately: The real change is made when we can construct a more thoughtful picture by choosing more appropriate language to describe things. One of the tricks associated with this include using qualifiers like "most", "sometimes", or "usually". Try to take that original way of describing something and instead transform it into the most accurate description you can. Then note how you feel about it after using the new description. I refer to these descriptions generally as using "moderated language".
The graphic below represents the progress someone can make in counseling in implementing some of these things and being more conscious about how language is used.
Although a lot of this can be done by anyone independently, counseling is a great way to work on this in more depth.
