Following the Path
04/14/11: Most cultures in the world have some version of The Path. Essentially, it is a general trajectory that someone's life is supposed to take, and social structures function well when a critical mass of people follow along. The rest of this article outlines The Path in current American culture, and suggests a process for how to cope with the stress of being off it.
The Path
All of the elements of The Path vary based on socio-economic status and other factors, so the outline below likely reflects an American middle-class ideal. Therefore, in the US, people might generally see The Path as this:
1. Be born into a nuclear family
2. Go to school and get a diploma (6-18yo)
3. Go to college / get a permanent job (18-22yo)
4. Get married (23-28yo)
5. Buy a house (25-35yo)
6. Have a child (25-35yo)
7. Work and parent (through mid-life)
8. Retire (late 60s)
9. Grandparent and enjoy life (late life)
10. Die of natural causes (85+)
It may seem like it ends darkly, but I believe it to be an accurate portrayal. There are three other important principles to this. First, The Path dictates that we are supposed to be happy, healthy, and successful through the entire course of life. Second, although most people feel some pressure to follow The Path, most people do not follow it exactly. Third, when we do not follow it, there is pressure (from family, community members, employers, media, tax law, etc) to get back on it. Due to this, we can experience a lot of stress and anxiety about our life decisions. The remainder of this article addresses places we commonly jump off the path to one less traveled, and ideas for coping with it.
Getting Off the Path
Sometimes people get off the path due to factors out of their control, and others choose a different route because they want to live a life that is less common. Examples might be skipping college to start a band or travel, deciding not to have children or buy a house, having children early or later in life, getting a divorce, quitting a high paying job to take something that is more rewarding, going back to school later in life, or deciding not to retire. In all of these cases, there is some kind of pressure to stay on, or move back to The Path.
Successfully coping with being off The Path really comes down to a few basic things, which can be different based on whether we chose the road or whether it chose us. Each element has it's own value, and they give us an opportunity to replace stress and anxiety with peace and excitement.
1. Acceptance of your unique path in life. Being able to accept where we are and how we got here as a reflection of our individual life story can have a profound effect on us. This would mean making peace with the "what ifs" and "If onlys" (what psychologists call 'counterfactual thinking'), and living the life you have, here and now.
2. Authorship of your story. Authoring your own life means consciously making decisions that reflect your personal values and interests, and taking responsibility for those things. This kind of personal responsibility can be difficult to master, but it is important to realize that we always have the ability to choose, even when things are out of our control.
3. Tolerance of the pressure. Finally, being able to stay strong under pressure from the culture, or key people in life, is important to living your own story. If we learn to respond well to criticism, and have confidence in our decisions even if they end up ultimately being mistakes, then the pressure can feel less restrictive. We can also become more tolerant of the decisions other people make that do not follow The Path, or what we wish their path to be.
In conclusion, this is a difficult and constantly evolving process, and counseling can be helpful in working through it.
The Path
All of the elements of The Path vary based on socio-economic status and other factors, so the outline below likely reflects an American middle-class ideal. Therefore, in the US, people might generally see The Path as this:
1. Be born into a nuclear family
2. Go to school and get a diploma (6-18yo)
3. Go to college / get a permanent job (18-22yo)
4. Get married (23-28yo)
5. Buy a house (25-35yo)
6. Have a child (25-35yo)
7. Work and parent (through mid-life)
8. Retire (late 60s)
9. Grandparent and enjoy life (late life)
10. Die of natural causes (85+)
It may seem like it ends darkly, but I believe it to be an accurate portrayal. There are three other important principles to this. First, The Path dictates that we are supposed to be happy, healthy, and successful through the entire course of life. Second, although most people feel some pressure to follow The Path, most people do not follow it exactly. Third, when we do not follow it, there is pressure (from family, community members, employers, media, tax law, etc) to get back on it. Due to this, we can experience a lot of stress and anxiety about our life decisions. The remainder of this article addresses places we commonly jump off the path to one less traveled, and ideas for coping with it.
Getting Off the Path
Sometimes people get off the path due to factors out of their control, and others choose a different route because they want to live a life that is less common. Examples might be skipping college to start a band or travel, deciding not to have children or buy a house, having children early or later in life, getting a divorce, quitting a high paying job to take something that is more rewarding, going back to school later in life, or deciding not to retire. In all of these cases, there is some kind of pressure to stay on, or move back to The Path.
Successfully coping with being off The Path really comes down to a few basic things, which can be different based on whether we chose the road or whether it chose us. Each element has it's own value, and they give us an opportunity to replace stress and anxiety with peace and excitement.
1. Acceptance of your unique path in life. Being able to accept where we are and how we got here as a reflection of our individual life story can have a profound effect on us. This would mean making peace with the "what ifs" and "If onlys" (what psychologists call 'counterfactual thinking'), and living the life you have, here and now.
2. Authorship of your story. Authoring your own life means consciously making decisions that reflect your personal values and interests, and taking responsibility for those things. This kind of personal responsibility can be difficult to master, but it is important to realize that we always have the ability to choose, even when things are out of our control.
3. Tolerance of the pressure. Finally, being able to stay strong under pressure from the culture, or key people in life, is important to living your own story. If we learn to respond well to criticism, and have confidence in our decisions even if they end up ultimately being mistakes, then the pressure can feel less restrictive. We can also become more tolerant of the decisions other people make that do not follow The Path, or what we wish their path to be.
In conclusion, this is a difficult and constantly evolving process, and counseling can be helpful in working through it.
