How to Help Others
12/18/11: When your friend / partner / coworker / child needs help with something stressful, and turns to you for help, what do you do? Most people default toward giving advice and ideas to solve problems, but a lot of the time the person actually just wants "support". The following post covers the 7 major ways we can help others.
Ways We Help
There are many ways we can help people in our lives that are under stress. I break these down into 7 major areas: 1) doing things, 2) giving advice and solving problems, 3) reframing and invalidating, 4) listening and validating, 5) asking and attending, 6) relieving and distracting, 7) encouraging and motivating. For any of these the key is that there is a time and place for each, so it is important to think about the unique person and situation and you are entering into to decide which to use. If you want to be sure, the best bet is to ask the person what kind of help he/she wants at this time.
1) Doing Things: one of the standard methods of helping is doing things for others. This includes everything from helping do chores or childcare, to baking something for them, to giving money. One of the most common sticky situations I hear about from my clients is when a friend or family member asks for financial help. If you want to financially helps someone, but there is any doubt about where the money may go, give gift cards, or buy the items the person needs directly. This ensures you know where your contribution will go.
2) Giving Advice & Solving Problems: when we listen to someone that is struggling with a stressful situation, it is natural to want to help the person resolve it. Due to that, we are often quick to give advice, our opinions, or solve the problem for the person. This works well if the person is truly struggling to find solutions or is looking for advice, but often the type of ideas we can generate are things the person has either already thought of, or could easily figure out on his/her own, which means we end up not being very helpful. A good rule of thumb here is to ask the person if they are looking for advice before you deliver it.
3) Reframing & Invalidating: when we hear our loved ones feeling down about their lives, or anxious about something we may see as somewhat irrational, it is natural to want to step in and invalidate or negate what the person is saying as a way to help them feel better. This can be tricky because we can come off as unsupportive or not understanding, even if our intentions are positive. A good rule of thumb here is to make sure to phrase things that show care, rather than frustration. For example, saying "John, I know you are feeling down about yourself right now, but I really believe you are a good person" can have a real impact by showing you are understanding, but also disagree.
4) Listening & Validating: when we experience stress, just the process of expressing it can help us feel better. If someone in your life is wanting to vent and "get support" for something, being able to simply listen and validate them can be all you need to do. Essentially, this means saying things like "wow I'd feel the same way" or "I can understand why this is so stressful". In my experience, I see people under-utilizing this approach, especially since it often is exactly what the other person is wanting.
5) Asking & Attending: sometimes all our loved ones need from us is for us to ask how they are doing, and paying attention to their lives. Checking in with the person shows you care, that you are involved in their lives, and that you are available for other types of help if they need it.
6) Relieving & Distracting: another helping strategy is to try and do something to make the person feel better that is unrelated to the problem, like taking them out for a fun time or making them laugh. Doing this stuff at the right time can really be a good thing, but if we go for it when the person is really just wanting to process through their feelings, we miss the mark.
7) Encouraging & Motivating: when we see someone having a problem that they feel unequipped to resolve, we naturally move into a stance of encouraging them. Helping to motivate others is a great quality and skill, but when it is misplaced, or over-used, the other people in our lives can start to see us as too tough or intolerant. Additionally, this is the type of help that burns many helpers out, since having to always be motivating the other can be exhausting, especially if change doesn't actually happen. The most common situations this happens in are when someone is ambivalent about staying in a bad relationship or work situation, or is struggling with a substance use problem.
Why This Stuff is Hard
None of the things above are particularly difficult things to do, but they sure can feel that way at the time. There are three major reasons this is not as easy as it looks.
First, brain research has shown that when we listen to someone under stress, our brains mirror the same pattern as theirs. That means we actually start to feel the stress, anxiety, or frustration that the other person feels. Then when the person actually doesn't make the changes and stays stressed, we get frustrated, and ultimately may end up being cold, disconnecting from them, or more stressed than they are!
Second, we often default to strategies that are things we would want the person to do for us. For example, if you were struggling with a situation, you may prefer someone doing stuff for you and wanting to take your mind off of it. However, the person you are actually trying to help may want to just be listened to and validated, which means we would be less effective as a helper to that person.
Third, when someone in our life is chronically stressed and needing support, we can start to feel used, obligated to help rather than naturally wanting to, or over involved in the others' life drama. This puts us at risk of 'over-functioning' for the person, which is a stable pattern of doing things for them that can be unhealthy (click here to read more about this).
In Conclusion
Two final thoughts. First, if you are trying to be helpful with someone going through a change process, you can get familiar with how people change by reading this post (click here). Second, helping someone can be a wonderful gift, and I'd encourage anyone reading this to become skilled at all of the helping dimensions, and when you do, the people in your life will be very thankful.
Ways We Help
There are many ways we can help people in our lives that are under stress. I break these down into 7 major areas: 1) doing things, 2) giving advice and solving problems, 3) reframing and invalidating, 4) listening and validating, 5) asking and attending, 6) relieving and distracting, 7) encouraging and motivating. For any of these the key is that there is a time and place for each, so it is important to think about the unique person and situation and you are entering into to decide which to use. If you want to be sure, the best bet is to ask the person what kind of help he/she wants at this time.
1) Doing Things: one of the standard methods of helping is doing things for others. This includes everything from helping do chores or childcare, to baking something for them, to giving money. One of the most common sticky situations I hear about from my clients is when a friend or family member asks for financial help. If you want to financially helps someone, but there is any doubt about where the money may go, give gift cards, or buy the items the person needs directly. This ensures you know where your contribution will go.
2) Giving Advice & Solving Problems: when we listen to someone that is struggling with a stressful situation, it is natural to want to help the person resolve it. Due to that, we are often quick to give advice, our opinions, or solve the problem for the person. This works well if the person is truly struggling to find solutions or is looking for advice, but often the type of ideas we can generate are things the person has either already thought of, or could easily figure out on his/her own, which means we end up not being very helpful. A good rule of thumb here is to ask the person if they are looking for advice before you deliver it.
3) Reframing & Invalidating: when we hear our loved ones feeling down about their lives, or anxious about something we may see as somewhat irrational, it is natural to want to step in and invalidate or negate what the person is saying as a way to help them feel better. This can be tricky because we can come off as unsupportive or not understanding, even if our intentions are positive. A good rule of thumb here is to make sure to phrase things that show care, rather than frustration. For example, saying "John, I know you are feeling down about yourself right now, but I really believe you are a good person" can have a real impact by showing you are understanding, but also disagree.
4) Listening & Validating: when we experience stress, just the process of expressing it can help us feel better. If someone in your life is wanting to vent and "get support" for something, being able to simply listen and validate them can be all you need to do. Essentially, this means saying things like "wow I'd feel the same way" or "I can understand why this is so stressful". In my experience, I see people under-utilizing this approach, especially since it often is exactly what the other person is wanting.
5) Asking & Attending: sometimes all our loved ones need from us is for us to ask how they are doing, and paying attention to their lives. Checking in with the person shows you care, that you are involved in their lives, and that you are available for other types of help if they need it.
6) Relieving & Distracting: another helping strategy is to try and do something to make the person feel better that is unrelated to the problem, like taking them out for a fun time or making them laugh. Doing this stuff at the right time can really be a good thing, but if we go for it when the person is really just wanting to process through their feelings, we miss the mark.
7) Encouraging & Motivating: when we see someone having a problem that they feel unequipped to resolve, we naturally move into a stance of encouraging them. Helping to motivate others is a great quality and skill, but when it is misplaced, or over-used, the other people in our lives can start to see us as too tough or intolerant. Additionally, this is the type of help that burns many helpers out, since having to always be motivating the other can be exhausting, especially if change doesn't actually happen. The most common situations this happens in are when someone is ambivalent about staying in a bad relationship or work situation, or is struggling with a substance use problem.
Why This Stuff is Hard
None of the things above are particularly difficult things to do, but they sure can feel that way at the time. There are three major reasons this is not as easy as it looks.
First, brain research has shown that when we listen to someone under stress, our brains mirror the same pattern as theirs. That means we actually start to feel the stress, anxiety, or frustration that the other person feels. Then when the person actually doesn't make the changes and stays stressed, we get frustrated, and ultimately may end up being cold, disconnecting from them, or more stressed than they are!
Second, we often default to strategies that are things we would want the person to do for us. For example, if you were struggling with a situation, you may prefer someone doing stuff for you and wanting to take your mind off of it. However, the person you are actually trying to help may want to just be listened to and validated, which means we would be less effective as a helper to that person.
Third, when someone in our life is chronically stressed and needing support, we can start to feel used, obligated to help rather than naturally wanting to, or over involved in the others' life drama. This puts us at risk of 'over-functioning' for the person, which is a stable pattern of doing things for them that can be unhealthy (click here to read more about this).
In Conclusion
Two final thoughts. First, if you are trying to be helpful with someone going through a change process, you can get familiar with how people change by reading this post (click here). Second, helping someone can be a wonderful gift, and I'd encourage anyone reading this to become skilled at all of the helping dimensions, and when you do, the people in your life will be very thankful.
