How to Say Hard Things
12/06/09: I work with a lot of people on holding boundaries, asserting themselves, saying difficult things, and saying "no". Usually the problem with doing any of these things is that we do not want to disappoint someone, feel guilty, hurt someone, or have someone angry with us.
There is a process for doing these things that I often suggest that is effective most of the time if done with a compassionate tone. Here are the pieces that need to be in there:
1. Affirm the Connection: make a statement about valuing your relationship to the person.
2. Make a Self Statement: say something about your intent or process, being transparent can help
3. Say the Hard Thing: set the boundary, assert yourself, say no, make a request, tell the person something difficult
4. Ask for Understanding: you can also reaffirm the connection
The whole thing might look something like this:
"John, you know that I really care about you and I really try to do everything I can to help people in my life. But one thing I'm realizing is that I overload myself sometimes and I'm really trying to stay more balanced. So I'm sorry, I just cannot help you with this one. I hope you can understand."
"Mary, I hope you know that you really are one of my best friends, and I want you to know that sometimes giving and taking feedback is really difficult for me. But I feel like I need to tell you that I'm starting to get concerned about how much you've been drinking. I'm really saying this because I care about you, and I hope you can understand and trust that."
The outcome isn't guaranteed obviously, and the worry is that any of these things will trigger someone's defensiveness or other issues. But if you really affirm the connection in conjunction with these other steps, it can be a great way to say something hard without hurting someone or being hurt yourself.
There is a process for doing these things that I often suggest that is effective most of the time if done with a compassionate tone. Here are the pieces that need to be in there:
1. Affirm the Connection: make a statement about valuing your relationship to the person.
2. Make a Self Statement: say something about your intent or process, being transparent can help
3. Say the Hard Thing: set the boundary, assert yourself, say no, make a request, tell the person something difficult
4. Ask for Understanding: you can also reaffirm the connection
The whole thing might look something like this:
"John, you know that I really care about you and I really try to do everything I can to help people in my life. But one thing I'm realizing is that I overload myself sometimes and I'm really trying to stay more balanced. So I'm sorry, I just cannot help you with this one. I hope you can understand."
"Mary, I hope you know that you really are one of my best friends, and I want you to know that sometimes giving and taking feedback is really difficult for me. But I feel like I need to tell you that I'm starting to get concerned about how much you've been drinking. I'm really saying this because I care about you, and I hope you can understand and trust that."
The outcome isn't guaranteed obviously, and the worry is that any of these things will trigger someone's defensiveness or other issues. But if you really affirm the connection in conjunction with these other steps, it can be a great way to say something hard without hurting someone or being hurt yourself.
