How to Write a Difficult Letter
1/23/10: I get asked all the time to read over letters or emails that people want to send to a friend or partner to express strong feelings. After seeing enough of these, I have come up with several important guidelines to make it go as well as possible for you.
1. Before you start writing, decide EXACTLY what the goal of the letter is. Sometimes there are so many feelings we have to express that once we get going on our letters it can become a mess that will very likely not be read in the way you hope, and at worst can make you look a little unhinged. Sit down and figure out exactly what the purpose of the letter is ahead of time and stick with it.
2. Make every single sentence fit the goal. If the goal is to apologize and an invitation to reconnect, then make sure that ALL of the stuff in the letter serves these purposes. Don't make stray comments that are irrelevant to the goals, that is for another time, conversation, or letter, not this one.
3. Imagine how the receiver might read the letter. The key here is not figuring out how you might read the letter, but how will this specific person interpret it. Think about what you know about him/her and how he/she responds to the type of things you are writing. Is there any way you have something worded that could trigger the opposite of the reaction you are hoping for? If so, then prepare for that or change it.
4. Have someone read it over that you trust. I recommend that you let a third party that you trust (who is not involved in any way with the situation other than as your support) take a look and give you honest feedback about the tone and whether it fits the purpose of the letter. Having this person read it over can help you see some blind spots or areas the person you are sending it to might read into in ways that do not serve your goals well.
5. If you are writing an angry letter, don't send it for a week (if ever). Writing angry letters is a great exercise to get out some feelings for yourself, but rarely does sending them lead to anything except the other person reacting with major defensiveness and you looking unstable. If you are compelled to send it, wait a full week after you have written it, and read it again before you finally send it. I usually encourage people to write the first angry letter for their private use, and then write a more tempered letter about their hurt that actually gets sent.
1. Before you start writing, decide EXACTLY what the goal of the letter is. Sometimes there are so many feelings we have to express that once we get going on our letters it can become a mess that will very likely not be read in the way you hope, and at worst can make you look a little unhinged. Sit down and figure out exactly what the purpose of the letter is ahead of time and stick with it.
2. Make every single sentence fit the goal. If the goal is to apologize and an invitation to reconnect, then make sure that ALL of the stuff in the letter serves these purposes. Don't make stray comments that are irrelevant to the goals, that is for another time, conversation, or letter, not this one.
3. Imagine how the receiver might read the letter. The key here is not figuring out how you might read the letter, but how will this specific person interpret it. Think about what you know about him/her and how he/she responds to the type of things you are writing. Is there any way you have something worded that could trigger the opposite of the reaction you are hoping for? If so, then prepare for that or change it.
4. Have someone read it over that you trust. I recommend that you let a third party that you trust (who is not involved in any way with the situation other than as your support) take a look and give you honest feedback about the tone and whether it fits the purpose of the letter. Having this person read it over can help you see some blind spots or areas the person you are sending it to might read into in ways that do not serve your goals well.
5. If you are writing an angry letter, don't send it for a week (if ever). Writing angry letters is a great exercise to get out some feelings for yourself, but rarely does sending them lead to anything except the other person reacting with major defensiveness and you looking unstable. If you are compelled to send it, wait a full week after you have written it, and read it again before you finally send it. I usually encourage people to write the first angry letter for their private use, and then write a more tempered letter about their hurt that actually gets sent.
