Minding Your Relationship
07/17/11: I get asked a lot about what a great relationship looks like, or is supposed to be like. The easy answer is that it looks different for every couple, but a wonderful model of relationship development called "Minding Theory" gives us a more applicable answer. The following is a brief overview of the model and how it can help couples, friendships, and family relationships.
The Five Parts of Minding
Minding is defined by Harvey and Omarzu (2011) as "a reciprocal knowing process that occurs non-stop throughout the history of a relationship and involves a complex package of inter-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors." They list five parts of relationship minding, and state that if we can make these happen in our relationships, they will be healthier and more satisfying.
1. Knowing & Being Known: this is a process of questioning, taking interest, and disclosing information to one another. Basically, if we are always a) interested in knowing our partner (not just what he/she does during a day, but what he/she thinks about, feels, and believes in), b) make efforts to know about him/her (ask questions, follow up, etc), and c) respond honestly to efforts he/she make to know us, we have part 1.
2. Acceptance & Respect: this means accepting what we have come to know about the other person as a legitimate part of his/her life, and continuing to treat him/her with respect. When we really get to know someone, we find out things that are not that great about the other person, and they find out the same about us. Continuing to hold your partner in a good light (and you being held in a good light too!), and working for forgiveness when necessary, are essential practices in a well minded relationship (more on How to Forgive here).
3. Attributions: these are the ways we explain why the other person did something, or is the way he/she is. People in well minded relationships see negative things about their partner more as honest mistakes, due to difficult circumstances, or the result of less than perfect parenting, rather than due to intentional malice, lack of care, or character flaws. Happier couples also do the reverse. So for positive thing about their partner, he/she see that as the result of him/her just being a good person, due to hard work, or natural character traits, rather than just getting lucky or being well parented.
4. Reciprocity of Minding: this means that both people in the relationship are working on this stuff. If only one person is interested in knowing the other, using acceptance and respect, and making favorable attributions, then the relationship would likely have larger problems.
5. Continuity of Minding: this means that minding the relationship goes on forever. It is not unusual for long term couples to have periods of time where minding has not occurred because other life priorities interfered, but returning to minding can be a process of reconnecting.
In addition to these components, Harvey and Omarzu (2011) give us a list of specific behaviors that contribute to minding. These include regular affection and affirmations, listening to others' opinions with interest and respect, asking follow up questions, talking about the other person socially in a favorable light, doing things to help and support, spending quality time together, and showing appreciation through words and actions.
For Couples
Couples looking to improve their relationships may look at this model as a bit of a guide on how to understand what a truly healthy relationship can look like. It is important to note that no one can do these perfectly, and most couples have issues in some dimensions. Counseling can also be a helpful way to work on building these area further, and improving your relationship into the future.
The Five Parts of Minding
Minding is defined by Harvey and Omarzu (2011) as "a reciprocal knowing process that occurs non-stop throughout the history of a relationship and involves a complex package of inter-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors." They list five parts of relationship minding, and state that if we can make these happen in our relationships, they will be healthier and more satisfying.
1. Knowing & Being Known: this is a process of questioning, taking interest, and disclosing information to one another. Basically, if we are always a) interested in knowing our partner (not just what he/she does during a day, but what he/she thinks about, feels, and believes in), b) make efforts to know about him/her (ask questions, follow up, etc), and c) respond honestly to efforts he/she make to know us, we have part 1.
2. Acceptance & Respect: this means accepting what we have come to know about the other person as a legitimate part of his/her life, and continuing to treat him/her with respect. When we really get to know someone, we find out things that are not that great about the other person, and they find out the same about us. Continuing to hold your partner in a good light (and you being held in a good light too!), and working for forgiveness when necessary, are essential practices in a well minded relationship (more on How to Forgive here).
3. Attributions: these are the ways we explain why the other person did something, or is the way he/she is. People in well minded relationships see negative things about their partner more as honest mistakes, due to difficult circumstances, or the result of less than perfect parenting, rather than due to intentional malice, lack of care, or character flaws. Happier couples also do the reverse. So for positive thing about their partner, he/she see that as the result of him/her just being a good person, due to hard work, or natural character traits, rather than just getting lucky or being well parented.
4. Reciprocity of Minding: this means that both people in the relationship are working on this stuff. If only one person is interested in knowing the other, using acceptance and respect, and making favorable attributions, then the relationship would likely have larger problems.
5. Continuity of Minding: this means that minding the relationship goes on forever. It is not unusual for long term couples to have periods of time where minding has not occurred because other life priorities interfered, but returning to minding can be a process of reconnecting.
In addition to these components, Harvey and Omarzu (2011) give us a list of specific behaviors that contribute to minding. These include regular affection and affirmations, listening to others' opinions with interest and respect, asking follow up questions, talking about the other person socially in a favorable light, doing things to help and support, spending quality time together, and showing appreciation through words and actions.
For Couples
Couples looking to improve their relationships may look at this model as a bit of a guide on how to understand what a truly healthy relationship can look like. It is important to note that no one can do these perfectly, and most couples have issues in some dimensions. Counseling can also be a helpful way to work on building these area further, and improving your relationship into the future.
