Solving Relationship Triangles
Relationship triangles occur when three people all have individual relationships with the other two people. In good times, these patterns can be fun, energizing, and rewarding. However, when any of the relationships become strained, the triangles can become complicated for everyone involved. When dysfunctional patterns become solidified in these triangles, those complications can become cemented, leading to longer term problems. The following gives and overview of relationship triangles, and gives some suggestions for sustaining healthy patterns within them.
Drawing Triangles
The best way to understand relationship triangles is to actually draw one out to visually represent the relationships. You can see an example of one of these below. Relationships that are positive have a solid line, relationships that are close have multiple solid lines, distant relationships have a dotted line, and conflictual relationships have jagged lines.
In the relationship triangle here, we have Jane dealing with her mom and dad. Jane's parents have a distant relationship, and Jane and her mom have a very strong bond. Additionally, Jane has a conflictual relationship with her father. This triangle is a fairly common pattern that family therapists see. It would be relatively unremarkable, except that in most of these cases, the dyads (two person relationships) are often influenced by the third person.
For example, in our triangle, we could imagine that because Jane's mother and father have a distant relationship, her mother relies heavily on Jane for emotional support, and may talk negatively about her father. That in turn would influence Jane's feelings toward her father, and cause conflict in their relationship. It would also be somewhat common for Jane to communicate things to her father, on her mother's behalf. Jane may feel like she is trying to help her parent's relationship with this, but another way to see it would be that she is enabling them to communicate through her, rather than with each other. Jane may also start to feel burdened by the responsibility of being in this role. Looking at it with this stuff in mind, the triangle becomes very complicated.
Solving Triangles
Whatever type of triangles you may have drawn for yourself, there are a few rules of thumb to consider in making these things healthier.
1. Don't talk negatively about a third person in the triangle. This one may seem obvious, or counter to a natural pattern of communicating, but any negative talk about the third person makes all relationships in the system more complicated. Instead, talk positively, express concern, or help the person learn how to communicate with the third person better, but avoid the negative stuff and trash talk. If you put yourself in Jane's shoes, and her mom talks negatively about her father, Jane could say something like "Mom, I definitely support you, but I don't feel comfortable hearing bad things about dad, and would prefer we talk about something else."
2. If you are going to vent or complain about someone, do it to an unrelated third party. One popular estimate assumes that 85% of all communication between people is about other people that are not present. Give that, if we are going to vent or complain about someone, we should be doing that with people that are minimally, or totally unaffiliated with the person we are complaining about. Jane's mother could complain about her husband to a therapist, a close friend, or someone else that doesn't have a meaningful relationship with her husband. However, when she's doing it with Jane, it unfairly complicates Jane's relationship with her father.
3. Don't pass information between people. Instead, opt out of that and encourage the person making the request of (or putting pressure on) you, to talk to that person him/herself. If the person you are connected with said that the third person won't respond, you can answer with something like "You know that makes me sad, but I'm sorry, I can't help you with this one. But I am really confident that you will find a way to get through to them."
4. If you are on the outside edge of a triangle, focus on improving individual relationships. If you are in Jane's dad's position, the task can be difficult because the relationship between Jane and her mother is usually negative toward him. For him, the best path would be to focus on developing closer and harmonious individual relationships with Jane and his wife, rather than distancing or attacking them for being negative about him. This would eventually take some of the negativity out of their connection.
Other Considerations
Since a lot of triangles have a long history of these patterns, changes to them can be met with resistance, and take a long time to rework. Furthermore, some people can experience some hurt feelings or confusion in the process, which may leave them stuck in place, or off in a new dysfunctional direction. Given the difficulty in many of these situations, counseling can be a huge help.
Drawing Triangles
The best way to understand relationship triangles is to actually draw one out to visually represent the relationships. You can see an example of one of these below. Relationships that are positive have a solid line, relationships that are close have multiple solid lines, distant relationships have a dotted line, and conflictual relationships have jagged lines.
In the relationship triangle here, we have Jane dealing with her mom and dad. Jane's parents have a distant relationship, and Jane and her mom have a very strong bond. Additionally, Jane has a conflictual relationship with her father. This triangle is a fairly common pattern that family therapists see. It would be relatively unremarkable, except that in most of these cases, the dyads (two person relationships) are often influenced by the third person.
For example, in our triangle, we could imagine that because Jane's mother and father have a distant relationship, her mother relies heavily on Jane for emotional support, and may talk negatively about her father. That in turn would influence Jane's feelings toward her father, and cause conflict in their relationship. It would also be somewhat common for Jane to communicate things to her father, on her mother's behalf. Jane may feel like she is trying to help her parent's relationship with this, but another way to see it would be that she is enabling them to communicate through her, rather than with each other. Jane may also start to feel burdened by the responsibility of being in this role. Looking at it with this stuff in mind, the triangle becomes very complicated.
Solving Triangles
Whatever type of triangles you may have drawn for yourself, there are a few rules of thumb to consider in making these things healthier.
1. Don't talk negatively about a third person in the triangle. This one may seem obvious, or counter to a natural pattern of communicating, but any negative talk about the third person makes all relationships in the system more complicated. Instead, talk positively, express concern, or help the person learn how to communicate with the third person better, but avoid the negative stuff and trash talk. If you put yourself in Jane's shoes, and her mom talks negatively about her father, Jane could say something like "Mom, I definitely support you, but I don't feel comfortable hearing bad things about dad, and would prefer we talk about something else."
2. If you are going to vent or complain about someone, do it to an unrelated third party. One popular estimate assumes that 85% of all communication between people is about other people that are not present. Give that, if we are going to vent or complain about someone, we should be doing that with people that are minimally, or totally unaffiliated with the person we are complaining about. Jane's mother could complain about her husband to a therapist, a close friend, or someone else that doesn't have a meaningful relationship with her husband. However, when she's doing it with Jane, it unfairly complicates Jane's relationship with her father.
3. Don't pass information between people. Instead, opt out of that and encourage the person making the request of (or putting pressure on) you, to talk to that person him/herself. If the person you are connected with said that the third person won't respond, you can answer with something like "You know that makes me sad, but I'm sorry, I can't help you with this one. But I am really confident that you will find a way to get through to them."
4. If you are on the outside edge of a triangle, focus on improving individual relationships. If you are in Jane's dad's position, the task can be difficult because the relationship between Jane and her mother is usually negative toward him. For him, the best path would be to focus on developing closer and harmonious individual relationships with Jane and his wife, rather than distancing or attacking them for being negative about him. This would eventually take some of the negativity out of their connection.
Other Considerations
Since a lot of triangles have a long history of these patterns, changes to them can be met with resistance, and take a long time to rework. Furthermore, some people can experience some hurt feelings or confusion in the process, which may leave them stuck in place, or off in a new dysfunctional direction. Given the difficulty in many of these situations, counseling can be a huge help.
