Styles of Taking Responsibility
07/31/11: A frequent sticking point in interpersonal conflicts is determining who is responsible for what. Complicating this is the tendency we all have to default to over-taking or under-taking responsibility. The following is a brief overview of these styles, and outlines for the type of personal work we can all do to get better at taking responsibility.
Taking Responsibility
Responsibility is generally the state of having duty or accountability for something. However, this is a difficult concept to deal with because it is so nebulous. Due to this (among other unique developmental influences), I often find my clients having the bias to either over or under take responsibility. Each of these has unique personal and interpersonal consequences.
Over-taking responsibility as a general default style often leads to people feeling unnecessarily guilty, angry, and obligated to do things they do not want to participate in.
Under-taking responsibility as a default style often comes across to others as defensiveness and can alienate them, leaving the person detached, lonely, and frustrated.
The most interesting thing with this is that both styles often come from having experiences in key relationships where the influential others (parents, siblings, friends, partners, etc) had distorted versions of responsibility as well. Usually the situation is that the relationship partner took too little responsibility, and to cope, the person either developed a pattern of refusing blame to a fault, or in over-taking blame out of confusion or to end conflicts. Not surprisingly, many couples complement one another by having one person generally over-take and the other under-take responsibility.
Strength in Responsibility
Taking responsibility for our role, or side of something takes more strength than either of the distorted positions. For people that under-take responsibility, the strength is in owning your actual role in something, and dealing with the heat and consequences that may come from it. The benefit is a more harmonious relationship and a more honest engagement in life. For people that over-take responsibility, the strength comes in refusing to take more than your share, and risking more friction in the relationship by placing some pressure on the other person to take ownership of his/her part. The benefit is in not absorbing higher levels of guilt than are deserved.
I often say in couples counseling that every relationship issue is a two person problem. When both people in a relationship can take ownership of their part in something, it allows for deeper levels of trust to build. For couples (or people in other types of relationships) to advance past long standing patterns that are causing harm, this responsibility dynamic is often the first place that change needs to happen.
Taking Responsibility
Responsibility is generally the state of having duty or accountability for something. However, this is a difficult concept to deal with because it is so nebulous. Due to this (among other unique developmental influences), I often find my clients having the bias to either over or under take responsibility. Each of these has unique personal and interpersonal consequences.
Over-taking responsibility as a general default style often leads to people feeling unnecessarily guilty, angry, and obligated to do things they do not want to participate in.
Under-taking responsibility as a default style often comes across to others as defensiveness and can alienate them, leaving the person detached, lonely, and frustrated.
The most interesting thing with this is that both styles often come from having experiences in key relationships where the influential others (parents, siblings, friends, partners, etc) had distorted versions of responsibility as well. Usually the situation is that the relationship partner took too little responsibility, and to cope, the person either developed a pattern of refusing blame to a fault, or in over-taking blame out of confusion or to end conflicts. Not surprisingly, many couples complement one another by having one person generally over-take and the other under-take responsibility.
Strength in Responsibility
Taking responsibility for our role, or side of something takes more strength than either of the distorted positions. For people that under-take responsibility, the strength is in owning your actual role in something, and dealing with the heat and consequences that may come from it. The benefit is a more harmonious relationship and a more honest engagement in life. For people that over-take responsibility, the strength comes in refusing to take more than your share, and risking more friction in the relationship by placing some pressure on the other person to take ownership of his/her part. The benefit is in not absorbing higher levels of guilt than are deserved.
I often say in couples counseling that every relationship issue is a two person problem. When both people in a relationship can take ownership of their part in something, it allows for deeper levels of trust to build. For couples (or people in other types of relationships) to advance past long standing patterns that are causing harm, this responsibility dynamic is often the first place that change needs to happen.
