The Interpersonal Matrix
07/01/11: Earlier models of interpersonal communication focus on general styles people take, and power dynamics. I developed the Interpersonal Matrix in the spirit of these models, but have focused more on specific types of behaviors and moves that we all make in communicating with others. I hope that it can be a great guide to understanding patterns of interactions as well as finding new moves to improve our relationships.
(Download full-size PDF)
For a quick primer on the earlier models, check out The Interpersonal Circle Model.
Friendly-Receptive v Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
The two columns of the Interpersonal Matrix mirror those from the circle: Friendly-Receptive and Aggressive-Rejecting. Essentially, Friendly moves are those that work to connect us with others in a supportive, caring, and constructive way . Aggressive moves are those that are generally involved in some kind of conflict where there is anger or a motivation diminish, harm, or defend against the other person.
Approach / Engage / Distance
The big departure from the circle model is in the styles of moves, represented by the rows of the matrix. In summary, Approaching is making a move that directly reveals thoughts and feelings; Engaging is being a direct participant in the communication; and Distancing is moving away from the other person or ending communication. There are many sub-versions of each move that I will post at some time in the future.
Complementarity
Like previous models, the Interpersonal Matrix also operates on the principle of "complementarity". This means that there are instinctual patterns of matching the communication moves of the other person. For example, when a teacher starts lecturing, students automatically go into a listening mode. One could also say that if the students sat passively ready for information, that the teacher would start teaching. This is complementarity. The most important thing here is that people usually match on being friendly or aggressive, which means that if you are friendly, the other person will likely be friendly, etc.
Friendly-Receptive Moves
Friendly Approach: Sharing thoughts, feelings, and information; making an offer or request; advising or teaching; expressing or asserting views; telling a story; pursuing contact; pleading; sending signals of interest, need, or current feelings.
Friendly Engagement: Connecting and joining with another person by being interested, validating, understanding, accepting, supportive, empathic, attentive, and caring; helpful, cooperative, agreeable, or compliant; inviting someone to communicate.
Friendly Distancing: Disengaging from, or avoiding an interaction in a friendly way, in emotional distress (hurt, fear, guilt, grief, etc), by request, or to prevent or diffuse a conflict; waiting for someone to make a move; taking or providing emotional space.
Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
Aggressive Approach: Being confrontational; directly or indirectly attacking, threatening, or accusing; criticizing, judging, or insulting; provoking or baiting someone into a conflict; being manipulative, controlling, or coercive; using social aggression.
Aggressive Engagement: Defensiveness (being offended, lawyering, denying, making pressured explanations, etc); being oppositional, resistant, indignant, or in protest; dismissive, inattentive, cold, sarcastic, or aloof; rebuffing; begrudgingly compliant.
Aggressive Distancing: Withdrawing or ending communication abruptly, with hostility, or to cause emotional distress; ignoring the other person, stonewalling, being unresponsive, unreachable, or closed-off from contact.
Using the Interpersonal Matrix
There are a number of ways to use this model. First, it can be used to track a general pattern of communicating with someone. You can retrace what happened in a specific discussion based on the Matrix, and then examine what could have been done differently to improve for next time.
Second, it can help us figure out what type of move we may want to make in advance. Specifically, if there is a pattern where someone becomes critical of you, and you become defensive, looking at the matrix can show you other ways to interact if that happens.
You can also use it to consider what someone else may be wanting from you. For example, usually when people share information (friendly approach), they are hoping for someone to listen and validate (friendly engagement), not necessarily give advice (friendly approach), critique what happened (aggressive approach), or only pretend to care (aggressive engagement).
Footnotes
A few things to note. First, this framework is very much in its infancy, and will continue to be regularly revised. Second, the 6 major styles are only loose groupings of moves, and there is often a behavior from one style that can be used for another purpose. Third, the reasons people choose certain moves are very complicated. Influences on the move someone makes at any given time include culture, power dynamics, emotion, personality, social role, personal history, relationship history, communication skills, and situational factors.
For any thoughts on the framework or how to make it better, contact me here.
(Download full-size PDF)
For a quick primer on the earlier models, check out The Interpersonal Circle Model.
Friendly-Receptive v Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
The two columns of the Interpersonal Matrix mirror those from the circle: Friendly-Receptive and Aggressive-Rejecting. Essentially, Friendly moves are those that work to connect us with others in a supportive, caring, and constructive way . Aggressive moves are those that are generally involved in some kind of conflict where there is anger or a motivation diminish, harm, or defend against the other person.
Approach / Engage / Distance
The big departure from the circle model is in the styles of moves, represented by the rows of the matrix. In summary, Approaching is making a move that directly reveals thoughts and feelings; Engaging is being a direct participant in the communication; and Distancing is moving away from the other person or ending communication. There are many sub-versions of each move that I will post at some time in the future.
Complementarity
Like previous models, the Interpersonal Matrix also operates on the principle of "complementarity". This means that there are instinctual patterns of matching the communication moves of the other person. For example, when a teacher starts lecturing, students automatically go into a listening mode. One could also say that if the students sat passively ready for information, that the teacher would start teaching. This is complementarity. The most important thing here is that people usually match on being friendly or aggressive, which means that if you are friendly, the other person will likely be friendly, etc.
Friendly-Receptive Moves
Friendly Approach: Sharing thoughts, feelings, and information; making an offer or request; advising or teaching; expressing or asserting views; telling a story; pursuing contact; pleading; sending signals of interest, need, or current feelings.
Friendly Engagement: Connecting and joining with another person by being interested, validating, understanding, accepting, supportive, empathic, attentive, and caring; helpful, cooperative, agreeable, or compliant; inviting someone to communicate.
Friendly Distancing: Disengaging from, or avoiding an interaction in a friendly way, in emotional distress (hurt, fear, guilt, grief, etc), by request, or to prevent or diffuse a conflict; waiting for someone to make a move; taking or providing emotional space.
Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
Aggressive Approach: Being confrontational; directly or indirectly attacking, threatening, or accusing; criticizing, judging, or insulting; provoking or baiting someone into a conflict; being manipulative, controlling, or coercive; using social aggression.
Aggressive Engagement: Defensiveness (being offended, lawyering, denying, making pressured explanations, etc); being oppositional, resistant, indignant, or in protest; dismissive, inattentive, cold, sarcastic, or aloof; rebuffing; begrudgingly compliant.
Aggressive Distancing: Withdrawing or ending communication abruptly, with hostility, or to cause emotional distress; ignoring the other person, stonewalling, being unresponsive, unreachable, or closed-off from contact.
Using the Interpersonal Matrix
There are a number of ways to use this model. First, it can be used to track a general pattern of communicating with someone. You can retrace what happened in a specific discussion based on the Matrix, and then examine what could have been done differently to improve for next time.
Second, it can help us figure out what type of move we may want to make in advance. Specifically, if there is a pattern where someone becomes critical of you, and you become defensive, looking at the matrix can show you other ways to interact if that happens.
You can also use it to consider what someone else may be wanting from you. For example, usually when people share information (friendly approach), they are hoping for someone to listen and validate (friendly engagement), not necessarily give advice (friendly approach), critique what happened (aggressive approach), or only pretend to care (aggressive engagement).
Footnotes
A few things to note. First, this framework is very much in its infancy, and will continue to be regularly revised. Second, the 6 major styles are only loose groupings of moves, and there is often a behavior from one style that can be used for another purpose. Third, the reasons people choose certain moves are very complicated. Influences on the move someone makes at any given time include culture, power dynamics, emotion, personality, social role, personal history, relationship history, communication skills, and situational factors.
For any thoughts on the framework or how to make it better, contact me here.
