The Self-Conscious Emotions
9/5/10: There are countless ways researchers and psychologists have worked to understand and catalog the human emotional experience. Fortunately, there is some agreement on the basic emotions that most people learn at a young age: fear, anger, sadness, and joy. A set that develops later and becomes a source of emotional struggle throughout adult life are the self-conscious emotions: shame, guilt, embarrassment, and pride. The following will explore each of these a bit further, and give some ideas on how to cope with them.
The Basics
The first central idea about the self-conscious emotions is that they require high-level thinking about self, morality, and social norms, whereas the basic emotions come much more automatically. The second is that all of the self-conscious emotions are believed to be related to our social self, and a tendency to (a) avoid rejection, (b) achieve dominance, and (c) maintain intra-group harmony. Think for a second on what the world would be like if no one experienced shame or guilt? Likely not very pleasant. These emotions, like most others, are key factors in regulating our actions, particularly in the social world.
Other things to consider when looking at these emotions are how they are produced. The basic emotions (fear, anger, sadness, joy) are often triggered by circumstances that are attributed to things outside of us. Self-conscious emotions are triggered when we believe that the circumstances or events are caused by (a) us!, or (b) someone we identify with or have an association with. So let's take a look at the specific self-conscious emotions and their roles in our lives.
Shame is generally caused by a negative evaluation of our core-self. When we feel shame, we generally say things like we feel "exposed", "small", or "inferior", and have an instinct to withdraw and hide.
When feeling shame that is warranted (something about you maybe is truly not so great), it can be important to reach out for some help to change, particularly if you are prone to shame or are very judgmental of yourself. The other important piece is acceptance of who you are and working on self-compassion (more on that here).
Guilt is different from shame in that is is a negative evaluation of our actions rather than our core-self. When we feel guilt we generally become remorseful and are motivated to apologize or repair damage in some way. Basically, guilt has an important role in prosocial behaviors (doing good things for others), and not experiencing guilt is a key feature of anti-social personality disorder (think: Dexter).
If you experience guilt then it can be important to really examine the situation and your role in whatever happened. If you did something that really caused harm, then take responsibility and follow your instinct to repair what happened. If you are more guilt-prone and experience it even if you didn't have much of a role (guilt-prone people are often manipulated by others that play "guilt trips" on them), the important thing is to clarify your values, examine situations through the lens of your values, identify the things you often feel guilty about (being "selfish", not coming through for others, etc), tolerate the feeling, and finds ways to act that are in line with your values. Counseling can be a big help with this.
Embarrassment is caused by doing something or being associated with something that happens in public, which is what makes it different than shame and guilt, which occur more in close relationships or in private. When we are embarrassed we often have either the shrinking feeling of shame, or the repairing urges of guilt, depending on what happened. If you are embarrassed just remember that the feeling doesn't normally last more than 10 minutes.
Pride There are two types of pride: Authentic and Hubristic. Authentic pride is when we feel good about ourselves related to our actions or successes, whereas hubristic pride occurs when we feel good about our core-self, whether that is objectively warranted or not.
People who feel pride for their successes and those that have a generally good (but not inflated) feeling about the core-self often have better mental health than those who do not. So allowing yourself to experience pride in your actions and the good things about yourself, without taking it too far, is the key. Remember: "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Hubristic pride is a key part of narcissistic personality disorder (think: most overly self-important politicians).
In Conclusion
All of these emotions are important for being socially healthy, even if they are uncomfortable. Additionally, due to how complex they are, it can be really important to get good at clarifying your role in various parts of your life, feeling comfortable taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, understanding and working to resolve cognitive dissonance (more on that here), developing self-compassion (more on that here), and understanding moral reasoning (more on that soon).
The Basics
The first central idea about the self-conscious emotions is that they require high-level thinking about self, morality, and social norms, whereas the basic emotions come much more automatically. The second is that all of the self-conscious emotions are believed to be related to our social self, and a tendency to (a) avoid rejection, (b) achieve dominance, and (c) maintain intra-group harmony. Think for a second on what the world would be like if no one experienced shame or guilt? Likely not very pleasant. These emotions, like most others, are key factors in regulating our actions, particularly in the social world.
Other things to consider when looking at these emotions are how they are produced. The basic emotions (fear, anger, sadness, joy) are often triggered by circumstances that are attributed to things outside of us. Self-conscious emotions are triggered when we believe that the circumstances or events are caused by (a) us!, or (b) someone we identify with or have an association with. So let's take a look at the specific self-conscious emotions and their roles in our lives.
Shame is generally caused by a negative evaluation of our core-self. When we feel shame, we generally say things like we feel "exposed", "small", or "inferior", and have an instinct to withdraw and hide.
When feeling shame that is warranted (something about you maybe is truly not so great), it can be important to reach out for some help to change, particularly if you are prone to shame or are very judgmental of yourself. The other important piece is acceptance of who you are and working on self-compassion (more on that here).
Guilt is different from shame in that is is a negative evaluation of our actions rather than our core-self. When we feel guilt we generally become remorseful and are motivated to apologize or repair damage in some way. Basically, guilt has an important role in prosocial behaviors (doing good things for others), and not experiencing guilt is a key feature of anti-social personality disorder (think: Dexter).
If you experience guilt then it can be important to really examine the situation and your role in whatever happened. If you did something that really caused harm, then take responsibility and follow your instinct to repair what happened. If you are more guilt-prone and experience it even if you didn't have much of a role (guilt-prone people are often manipulated by others that play "guilt trips" on them), the important thing is to clarify your values, examine situations through the lens of your values, identify the things you often feel guilty about (being "selfish", not coming through for others, etc), tolerate the feeling, and finds ways to act that are in line with your values. Counseling can be a big help with this.
Embarrassment is caused by doing something or being associated with something that happens in public, which is what makes it different than shame and guilt, which occur more in close relationships or in private. When we are embarrassed we often have either the shrinking feeling of shame, or the repairing urges of guilt, depending on what happened. If you are embarrassed just remember that the feeling doesn't normally last more than 10 minutes.
Pride There are two types of pride: Authentic and Hubristic. Authentic pride is when we feel good about ourselves related to our actions or successes, whereas hubristic pride occurs when we feel good about our core-self, whether that is objectively warranted or not.
People who feel pride for their successes and those that have a generally good (but not inflated) feeling about the core-self often have better mental health than those who do not. So allowing yourself to experience pride in your actions and the good things about yourself, without taking it too far, is the key. Remember: "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Hubristic pride is a key part of narcissistic personality disorder (think: most overly self-important politicians).
In Conclusion
All of these emotions are important for being socially healthy, even if they are uncomfortable. Additionally, due to how complex they are, it can be really important to get good at clarifying your role in various parts of your life, feeling comfortable taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, understanding and working to resolve cognitive dissonance (more on that here), developing self-compassion (more on that here), and understanding moral reasoning (more on that soon).
