http://willmeekphd.com/ Will Meek PhD en-us Nucleus CMS v3.32 � Weblog http://backend.userland.com/rss http://willmeekphd.com//nucleus/nucleus2.gif http://willmeekphd.com/ http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=421 Drawing Triangles
The best way to understand relationship triangles is to actually draw one out to visually represent the relationships. You can see an example of one of these below. Relationships that are positive have a solid line, relationships that are close have multiple solid lines, distant relationships have a dotted line, and conflictual relationships have jagged lines.

In the relationship triangle here, we have Jane dealing with her mom and dad. Jane's parents have a distant relationship, and Jane and her mom have a very strong bond. Additionally, Jane has a conflictual relationship with her father. This triangle is a fairly common pattern that family therapists see. It would be relatively unremarkable, except that in most of these cases, the dyads (two person relationships) are often influenced by the third person.

For example, in our triangle, we could imagine that because Jane's mother and father have a distant relationship, her mother relies heavily on Jane for emotional support, and may talk negatively about her father. That in turn would influence Jane's feelings toward her father, and cause conflict in their relationship. It would also be somewhat common for Jane to communicate things to her father, on her mother's behalf. Jane may feel like she is trying to help her parent's relationship with this, but another way to see it would be that she is enabling them to communicate through her, rather than with each other. Jane may also start to feel burdened by the responsibility of being in this role. Looking at it with this stuff in mind, the triangle becomes very complicated.

Solving Triangles
Whatever type of triangles you may have drawn for yourself, there are a few rules of thumb to consider in making these things healthier.

1. Don't talk negatively about a third person in the triangle. This one may seem obvious, or counter to a natural pattern of communicating, but any negative talk about the third person makes all relationships in the system more complicated. Instead, talk positively, express concern, or help the person learn how to communicate with the third person better, but avoid the negative stuff and trash talk. If you put yourself in Jane's shoes, and her mom talks negatively about her father, Jane could say something like "Mom, I definitely support you, but I don't feel comfortable hearing bad things about dad, and would prefer we talk about something else."

2. If you are going to vent or complain about someone, do it to an unrelated third party. One popular estimate assumes that 85% of all communication between people is about other people that are not present. Give that, if we are going to vent or complain about someone, we should be doing that with people that are minimally, or totally unaffiliated with the person we are complaining about. Jane's mother could complain about her husband to a therapist, a close friend, or someone else that doesn't have a meaningful relationship with her husband. However, when she's doing it with Jane, it unfairly complicates Jane's relationship with her father.

3. Don't pass information between people. Instead, opt out of that and encourage the person making the request of (or putting pressure on) you, to talk to that person him/herself. If the person you are connected with said that the third person won't respond, you can answer with something like "You know that makes me sad, but I'm sorry, I can't help you with this one. But I am really confident that you will find a way to get through to them."

4. If you are on the outside edge of a triangle, focus on improving individual relationships. If you are in Jane's dad's position, the task can be difficult because the relationship between Jane and her mother is usually negative toward him. For him, the best path would be to focus on developing closer and harmonious individual relationships with Jane and his wife, rather than distancing or attacking them for being negative about him. This would eventually take some of the negativity out of their connection.

Other Considerations
Since a lot of triangles have a long history of these patterns, changes to them can be met with resistance, and take a long time to rework. Furthermore, some people can experience some hurt feelings or confusion in the process, which may leave them stuck in place, or off in a new dysfunctional direction. Given the difficulty in many of these situations, counseling can be a huge help. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=421 Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:34:04 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=415 Tuning In
Before reading any further, take a few moments and check in with your body and see how you feel. Are you tired? Are your legs sore? What does your face feel like? How is the temperature? What sounds can you hear? Are your shoulders tense?

If you are like most people (including me), about 95% of the information you just gathered was stuff you were not paying attention to seconds before. Sometimes this is great for us, like when we need to tune things out to accomplish a task. However, if we rarely (or never) stop to check in with ourselves, or experience the world around us, we are missing a lot of life. Mindfulness is a practice and approach to life that helps us get a richer experience out of our daily existence, feel more connected to ourselves, and relieve some stress in the process.

What is Mindfulness
The concept of mindfulness is actually quite simple; it basically means "knowing what you are experiencing, while you are experiencing it, without judgment". Putting it into practice is a bit harder. I'll invite you to try another activity. Just take the next full minute and focus on your breathing. Nothing else, just focus on feeling yourself breathe...

So what happened? Most people experience their mind starting to wander within seconds. Maybe it reminded you of something, or you jumped to something else altogether. Maybe you caught yourself wandering and got frustrated. Maybe you heard something that distracted you, or you started to question the point of this altogether. This is the way our are brains are programmed to work in a fast-paced world: quickly moving from one thing to another, multitasking, becoming doing machines, rarely in touch with the person that is actually doing the doing. This is the opposite of mindfulness.

Let's try it one more time. This time, focus on your breathing again for a minute. If your mind wanders or you get distracted, gently remind yourself to come back to your breathing. Just feel the air going in an out naturally and stay with that. Don't judge what happens, just keep coming back to your breathing, over and over.

This "tuning in" is a way of practicing mindfulness. Hardcore mindfulness practitioners believe in doing this stuff for it's own sake rather than or some kind of outcome. Despite that, this simple concept and practice has had tons of legitimate research support for improving our lives. The most notable are that practicing mindfulness regularly helps us manage stress, reduce anxiety, tolerate pain, have compassion for others, sustain our attention, and increase happiness and self-awareness.

How to Start
If developing a mindfulness practice is something you are interested in, there are many places to start. Below are four types of exercises you can try out, and plenty of variations off those if you get more into it. For all of them, remember to take a non-judgmental approach, and if your mind wanders, just gently come back. Any length of time is good, but 5 minutes is a nice beginning point for most people.

1. Open Field: for this one, we turn our attention toward the world around us. Sit or stand anywhere and just observe the environment through all of your senses. Check out what you see, hear, feel, smell and taste. This allows us to get away from worries, and connect with the world in a much deeper way.

2. Open Self: for this one, turn your attention toward your body or mind. Start by closing your eyes and scanning your body, like you did at the start of this article. Just note how you feel and let it be, but keep doing it. You can also decide to focus on the flow of thoughts you may be having. To do this, just observe the thoughts and feelings you are having, and let them pass like leaves floating down a stream. No need to stick with them or analyze. Just notice them and let them float by. This lets us build a new relationship to our thoughts (they are just thoughts after all), and also stay more in tune with our bodies.

3. Focused Field: for this one, pick a particular thing in the environment to stay focused on. Pick something in your field of vision and just stay with it. If you find yourself wandering or zoning out, come back to what you are focusing on and keep going. This allows us to connect with a specific thing in our environment, and can be very calming. I often start any mindfulness experience with this since it is the easiest for me to do, and I then switch into "focused self".

4. Focused Self: for this one, you focus on a particular thing inside yourself. Examples of this include tuning into your breathing (like we did earlier) or repeating a thought over and over again like "be present". Another variation is to focus on controlling your breathing. For example, you can breathe in for 3 beats, hold it for 3, then out for 3, and hold that for 3, then repeat. These can result in a deeper calm as well.

In Conclusion
The best thing about mindfulness to me is that it is available to us all the time. We can choose to tune in anytime, anywhere, and create a brand new experience for ourselves, with some amazing benefits. Mindfulness isn't for everyone, and it isn't a cure all, but it would also be a mistake to see it as some new-agey fad. If you are interested in learning more, a good place to start is with this video of Jon Kabat-Zinn (see below), or his book "Wherever You Go, There You Are". Counseling can also be a great place to learn more about this and work on applying it in ways that will work for your life.

]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=415 Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:57:50 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=408 Coping Basics
I like to think of our stress level as the result of a basic equation:

Stressors (Type + Intensity + Duration + Number) - Coping Resources (Skills + Energy)

This post is about the second half of that equation. There is no easy way to break down coping approaches, but In my model of working through stress (click here for that) I generally categorize things into "active" and "avoidant" coping styles; to be consistent I will use the same thing here. This article will focus on active coping approaches, which are those that we might generally say are "healthy" or "constructive", which is in contrast to the avoidant flipside of "unhealthy" or "destructive".

There are many different types of active coping strategies, and the key to building a good coping system is to choose some from each area. This allows you to have a bunch of things you can pick from when they are needed. Some of them may be your default moves or daily activities, whereas others are going to be used on an as-needed basis. The following sections are going to give some ideas in various areas, and list a suggested number of those things that you should have ready. If you have a deficit in an area, it can be a good idea to work on those skills during times of less stress, so you can be prepared when more stressful times emerge.

Maintenance (pick 4)
These are things we can do to stay at our best at all times, and they help sustain us during periods of stress. Of all of the things that will be listed in this article, these are the most important

8 hours of sleep per night

A healthy and balanced diet

Regular exercise (cardio and strength)

Daily mindfulness practice (read more here)

Strong social connections

Daily spiritual practice

Weekly time for play and hobbies

Physiological (pick 2)
These approaches directly engage your body

Deep breathing

Progressive muscle relaxation

Exercise

Meditation

Yoga

Massage

Acupuncture

Problem Solving (pick 2)
Examine the actual problem and:

Make a list of steps to take

Make a plan of action

Take actual action to solve the problems

Break problems into smaller chunks

Set specific (and reachable) goals

Communicating (pick 1)
These approaches are ways we can relate to others during stress

Talking to someone (friend, family, therapist)

Creativity (making art or music)

Writing (journal, poetry, blog)

Cognitive (pick 3)
These approaches are ways we can change our thinking

Reframing (looking at things from a different and more positive perspective)

Acceptance (not fighting the stressful stuff)

Identify potential biases in your thought process

Reduce extreme language (click here for more)

Find meaning and purpose in what is happening

Emotion-Focused (pick 2)
These approaches focus on dealing with difficult emotions

Do emotion processing (click here for more)

Allow your emotions to be there

Cry if your body wants to

Give yourself reassurance

Give yourself messages of confidence

Focus on what your emotions are telling you

Learning (pick 1)
These approaches are ways we can get more information when we need to

Talking to someone who knows

Researching on the internet

Reading a relevant book

Distraction (pick 2)
These are ways we can get out of our own heads when we need to, and are the least harmful of the avoidant approaches, but use sparingly!

Attuning to the present moment

Digital entertainment (TV, movies, etc)

Refocusing (reading, counting, play with a pet)

A time consuming and engaging activity

Go out with friends

Listen to music

Do something nice for someone

Focus on a work or school project

These lists are obviously not exhaustive, so add your own unique approaches to each category. A minimally complete coping system will have 17 of those things mastered. Someone who has great coping skills will also be able to pick a few of the strategies out that match the type of situation and apply them appropriately. If you need some help developing a more complete coping system, counseling can be a great help. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=408 Sat, 24 Dec 2011 21:37:25 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=402 Ways We Help
There are many ways we can help people in our lives that are under stress. I break these down into 7 major areas: 1) doing things, 2) giving advice and solving problems, 3) reframing and invalidating, 4) listening and validating, 5) asking and attending, 6) relieving and distracting, 7) encouraging and motivating. For any of these the key is that there is a time and place for each, so it is important to think about the unique person and situation and you are entering into to decide which to use. If you want to be sure, the best bet is to ask the person what kind of help he/she wants at this time.

1) Doing Things: one of the standard methods of helping is doing things for others. This includes everything from helping do chores or childcare, to baking something for them, to giving money. One of the most common sticky situations I hear about from my clients is when a friend or family member asks for financial help. If you want to financially helps someone, but there is any doubt about where the money may go, give gift cards, or buy the items the person needs directly. This ensures you know where your contribution will go.

2) Giving Advice & Solving Problems: when we listen to someone that is struggling with a stressful situation, it is natural to want to help the person resolve it. Due to that, we are often quick to give advice, our opinions, or solve the problem for the person. This works well if the person is truly struggling to find solutions or is looking for advice, but often the type of ideas we can generate are things the person has either already thought of, or could easily figure out on his/her own, which means we end up not being very helpful. A good rule of thumb here is to ask the person if they are looking for advice before you deliver it.

3) Reframing & Invalidating: when we hear our loved ones feeling down about their lives, or anxious about something we may see as somewhat irrational, it is natural to want to step in and invalidate or negate what the person is saying as a way to help them feel better. This can be tricky because we can come off as unsupportive or not understanding, even if our intentions are positive. A good rule of thumb here is to make sure to phrase things that show care, rather than frustration. For example, saying "John, I know you are feeling down about yourself right now, but I really believe you are a good person" can have a real impact by showing you are understanding, but also disagree.

4) Listening & Validating: when we experience stress, just the process of expressing it can help us feel better. If someone in your life is wanting to vent and "get support" for something, being able to simply listen and validate them can be all you need to do. Essentially, this means saying things like "wow I'd feel the same way" or "I can understand why this is so stressful". In my experience, I see people under-utilizing this approach, especially since it often is exactly what the other person is wanting.

5) Asking & Attending: sometimes all our loved ones need from us is for us to ask how they are doing, and paying attention to their lives. Checking in with the person shows you care, that you are involved in their lives, and that you are available for other types of help if they need it.

6) Relieving & Distracting: another helping strategy is to try and do something to make the person feel better that is unrelated to the problem, like taking them out for a fun time or making them laugh. Doing this stuff at the right time can really be a good thing, but if we go for it when the person is really just wanting to process through their feelings, we miss the mark.

7) Encouraging & Motivating: when we see someone having a problem that they feel unequipped to resolve, we naturally move into a stance of encouraging them. Helping to motivate others is a great quality and skill, but when it is misplaced, or over-used, the other people in our lives can start to see us as too tough or intolerant. Additionally, this is the type of help that burns many helpers out, since having to always be motivating the other can be exhausting, especially if change doesn't actually happen. The most common situations this happens in are when someone is ambivalent about staying in a bad relationship or work situation, or is struggling with a substance use problem.

Why This Stuff is Hard
None of the things above are particularly difficult things to do, but they sure can feel that way at the time. There are three major reasons this is not as easy as it looks.

First, brain research has shown that when we listen to someone under stress, our brains mirror the same pattern as theirs. That means we actually start to feel the stress, anxiety, or frustration that the other person feels. Then when the person actually doesn't make the changes and stays stressed, we get frustrated, and ultimately may end up being cold, disconnecting from them, or more stressed than they are!

Second, we often default to strategies that are things we would want the person to do for us. For example, if you were struggling with a situation, you may prefer someone doing stuff for you and wanting to take your mind off of it. However, the person you are actually trying to help may want to just be listened to and validated, which means we would be less effective as a helper to that person.

Third, when someone in our life is chronically stressed and needing support, we can start to feel used, obligated to help rather than naturally wanting to, or over involved in the others' life drama. This puts us at risk of 'over-functioning' for the person, which is a stable pattern of doing things for them that can be unhealthy (click here to read more about this).

In Conclusion
Two final thoughts. First, if you are trying to be helpful with someone going through a change process, you can get familiar with how people change by reading this post (click here). Second, helping someone can be a wonderful gift, and I'd encourage anyone reading this to become skilled at all of the helping dimensions, and when you do, the people in your life will be very thankful. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=402 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 15:17:08 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=395 Brief Experiment
Let's do a quick math problem.

A bat and ball together cost $1.10.
The bat costs $1.00 more than the ball.
How much does the ball cost?

If you are like a vast majority of people, 10 cents came to mind right away. Unfortunately, that is incorrect. If the ball was .10, and the bat was a dollar more than the ball, that would make the bat $1.10, and mean they cost $1.20 together. The right answer is that ball costs 5 cents. Kahneman used this experiment to illustrate the differences between our two basic thinking systems: Intuition and Reasoning. He referred to these as System 1 and System 2.

System 1
System 1 (Intuition, Emotion, Instinct, Unconscious, Automatic): this is the system we spend most of our lives in. As we move through the day we react quickly and naturally to our environments without doing much hard thinking. This system processes information very quickly, and uses emotion, instincts, and previous learning as a guide. For example, when you are driving a car on a familiar route, you do not have to do much thinking, even though what is happening is actually a very involved process. Only on the rarest of those drives after the first few would we really need to think through it deeply.

The ways System 1 reacts to the world is based on quickly accessible information in our minds, as well as some basic evolutionary dispositions. Essentially, System 1 takes readily available information and almost instantly makes the best story out of that information. The good news about System 1 is that it works very well for us, and processes information quickly and often effectively. However, as seen in the experiment, it can also make simple mistakes for more complex problems.

System 2
System 2 (Reason, Logic, Conscious, Slow, Effort): this is the system we can use to solve complex problems, or observe what we are doing. To use System 2, we need to stop and decide to think through something. Let's say you were needing to go to an entirely new part of town on a drive that involved a variety of unfamiliar roads. If you took the time to deliberately plan the best route, and then make sure each turn was correct, you used System 2.

System 2 is based on principles of logic and more complex knowledge about the world that is usually not automatically accessible to us. This also allows us to generate alternate stories to the one that System 1 produces, make complex plans for the future, and respond to novel problems in productive ways. System 2 is less prone to errors than System 1, but takes much more energy to use.

Common Problems
To summarize so far, we all have two methods of processing information, intuition and reasoning. We use intuition for most of the day, and occasionally use reasoning to answer more complex problems. Some people may also frame this as "head vs heart". In counseling many of my clients struggle with several basic issues related to these systems.

1. System 1 Builds a Faulty Story: The most common problem is that due to previous learning and personal history, the story that System 1 automatically builds in certain situations can be wrong. This is easily corrected if System 2 is engaged and explores for alternatives.

2. System 2 Gets Exhausted: Another issue is that we use up a lot of brain power throughout the day, and sometimes the energy we need to use System 2 effectively is not there. This is called "ego depletion" (read more here). When this happens, we are at the mercy of System 1 and the potential mistakes or not-so-good stuff that it can lead us into. The fix here is maintaining our energy throughout the day, and outlets for those impulses and drives that can lead us astray.

3. Systems in Conflict: If the emotions related to System 1 are strong enough, the logic of System 2 can still be overwhelmed by anxiety, sadness, anger, and other emotions. When this happens we have an internal conflict (sometimes called Cognitive Dissonance). Counseling can help teach skills to use both systems to arrive at the best possible conclusion or plan of action.

Conclusion
A final note is that neither of these systems is superior to the other. Both have strengths, weaknesses, and pros and cons. They are each there to allow us to navigate through the world, and if we learn to master the times both are effective, we are better able to meet our life goals. I'll add that current counseling theory has not kept up with some of these developments, and that I am hopeful that psychologists will begin to incorporate this understanding into their work with clients in all kinds of settings. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=395 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:00:10 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=389 Dependency Needs Across the Lifespan
A "dependency need" is something that we need to be healthy that we cannot provide ourselves. Meaning, we are dependent on others to provide it. When we are first born into the world, almost every need except for oxygen, is a dependency need. An infant is dependent on caregivers for food, comfort, bathing, and care. As we get older, these needs change because we learn to provide some of these things for ourselves. However, as adults, there is still a universal set of dependency needs that remain, which we ultimately cannot ever provide ourselves. These are

1. Companionship / Belonging
2. Affection (Verbal and Physical)
3. Emotional Support

For couples, these needs are ideally met in the partnership. Strong couples are able to be good companions (sharing their lives together), give verbal and physical affection (affirmations, hugs, sexual intimacy, etc), and emotional support (being there to help during tough times). Both members of a couple usually get used to depending on the other for these needs, and when they are not met, or the couple breaks up, part of the distress is that these needs are no longer being met. For a good model on fulfilling these in your relationship, read "Minding Your Relationship".

Individuals that are not currently in a partnership need to have these met in other ways. Usually a lot of these can occur in strong bonds with friends and family. A good example would be a group of friends or a family that knows you well, gives big hugs when they see you, always get your back and know the right thing to say when you are under stress, and make you feel like you have an important place in their lives.

When Dependency Needs Are Not Met
The results of these needs not being met are different depending on the individual on where he or she is in life. If these needs are not met when we are children, it can lead to longer lasting problems relating to others. As adults, not having these met adequately leads to feelings of loneliness and sometimes can move into hopelessness or depression. Most adults can manage some periods of time without these being adequately met, but it is important for our overall health that they are attended to.

Unfortunately, many family cultures and role expectations in the United States dismiss the importance of these needs, and instill values that not needing these things is somehow a superior way of being. When a person holds these values, and these needs are not met, there can be a compounded level of shame and distress, which is more complicated to work through.

Generally, counseling can be very helpful for people wanting to understand dependency needs, and find healthy ways of meeting them in life. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=389 Tue, 11 Oct 2011 18:19:11 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=373 The Five Parts of Minding
Minding is defined by Harvey and Omarzu (2011) as "a reciprocal knowing process that occurs non-stop throughout the history of a relationship and involves a complex package of inter-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors." They list five parts of relationship minding, and state that if we can make these happen in our relationships, they will be healthier and more satisfying.

1. Knowing & Being Known: this is a process of questioning, taking interest, and disclosing information to one another. Basically, if we are always a) interested in knowing our partner (not just what he/she does during a day, but what he/she thinks about, feels, and believes in), b) make efforts to know about him/her (ask questions, follow up, etc), and c) respond honestly to efforts he/she make to know us, we have part 1.

2. Acceptance & Respect: this means accepting what we have come to know about the other person as a legitimate part of his/her life, and continuing to treat him/her with respect. When we really get to know someone, we find out things that are not that great about the other person, and they find out the same about us. Continuing to hold your partner in a good light (and you being held in a good light too!), and working for forgiveness when necessary, are essential practices in a well minded relationship (more on How to Forgive here).

3. Attributions: these are the ways we explain why the other person did something, or is the way he/she is. People in well minded relationships see negative things about their partner more as honest mistakes, due to difficult circumstances, or the result of less than perfect parenting, rather than due to intentional malice, lack of care, or character flaws. Happier couples also do the reverse. So for positive thing about their partner, he/she see that as the result of him/her just being a good person, due to hard work, or natural character traits, rather than just getting lucky or being well parented.

4. Reciprocity of Minding: this means that both people in the relationship are working on this stuff. If only one person is interested in knowing the other, using acceptance and respect, and making favorable attributions, then the relationship would likely have larger problems.

5. Continuity of Minding: this means that minding the relationship goes on forever. It is not unusual for long term couples to have periods of time where minding has not occurred because other life priorities interfered, but returning to minding can be a process of reconnecting.

In addition to these components, Harvey and Omarzu (2011) give us a list of specific behaviors that contribute to minding. These include regular affection and affirmations, listening to others' opinions with interest and respect, asking follow up questions, talking about the other person socially in a favorable light, doing things to help and support, spending quality time together, and showing appreciation through words and actions.

For Couples
Couples looking to improve their relationships may look at this model as a bit of a guide on how to understand what a truly healthy relationship can look like. It is important to note that no one can do these perfectly, and most couples have issues in some dimensions. Counseling can also be a helpful way to work on building these area further, and improving your relationship into the future. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=373 Sun, 17 Jul 2011 19:36:48 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=364 Normal vs Defective
One of the most common issues I have seen with clients coming to counseling is a fear or certainty that something is "wrong" with them. For people that worry that something could possibly be wrong with them I use the term "fear of a defective-self". This usually comes along with some feelings of inferiority, insecurities, and anxiety. For people that are convinced something is wrong with them, I use the term "defective-self complex". This looks the same as the previous, but often has a level of distress associated with it that is more significant, it is more ingrained in the person's identity, and there is often either a search to get confirmation about the defect, or an attachment to something they have heard that explains it.

We all have things about us that we don't like, struggle with, or have concerns about; but the idea of something being "wrong" is a much more loaded issue. Defective self fears and complexes are usually about the idea that something deep in the person's character is flawed to the point of being permanent, untreatable, and hopeless, in contrast to something that is understandable, manageable, and normal.

Diagnosis
Part of the problem here is that the medical culture in the United States is arranged around identifying and treating diseases or other things that have gone "wrong" with the body. However, for psychological issues there are a variety of ways to view the idea of problems and diagnosis, which I have outlined here (Diagnosing Mental Disorders). Aside from the medical model explanation, others like the social construction model take a broad approach to understanding people, and favors normalizing things rather than pathologizing them.

Another issue with defective self issues is related to experiencing rejection or high levels of shame from parents, family, or peers growing up. When we are younger we often behave more impulsively and "are who we are" more freely. That changes for everyone when we learn that the culture does not find some thing acceptable, and we have to change or hide them. This can go well, but if we learn those lessons in very hard ways, or even have someone explicitly tell us "something is wrong with you!" then it can lead to larger issues with this later.

Another path is in a misreading of the social world. Often, I hear my clients compare themselves to someone that is "normal", and the definition of the normal person is simply someone that does not have said problem. Comparing ourselves to others is one of the primary ways all people make judgments about their lives. However, there are several mistakes in comparing ourselves to others for this kind of stuff.

First, most people don't actually know for sure whether the "normal" person does not struggle with the same issue, since it is often based on superficial observation, compared to a really deep connection and understand of him/her. This is flawed because human beings are really good at making things appear to be positive on the surface, even if under the surface there are problems or imperfections. Second, it does not take into account that the "normal person" would have problems in other areas instead of the one in question, which they do.

So overall this is a paradox: the problem is that there is not a problem but you are convinced there is.

Improvement
I often tell my clients that worry about having something wrong with them that "if something is wrong with you then something is wrong with everyone", since everyone has some kind of problems, insecurities, and weaknesses; which would then make the person normal by default. Additionally, a client of mine once wisely said that he "needs to stop comparing (his) inside to others' outsides". I like both of these ideas a lot and they are related to the steps to working on defective self issues. Some possible steps are outlined below:

1. Identifying the Problem: If there are legitimate things that you want to improve, then it is important to specifically identify those and work on them. Not being able to identify those can often lead to defective self fears, but the reality is that many personal issues can be improved on with the right ideas or help. Once you identify some of the problems, taking steps to improve them would come next.

2. Exploring Alternatives: instead of drawing the conclusion that something is "wrong" with us, we can look for other possibilities. Perhaps the issue is controllable and manageable but has yet to be identified; or that everyone feels or acts like this sometimes.

3. Self-Acceptance: Regardless of the personal issues we have, one of the most important things we can do is accept ourselves for who we really are; good, bad, and ugly. I often update the conventional wisdom that "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" by saying "you have to accept yourself before you can love yourself before you can love someone else". This basically means acknowledgement of all of our personality traits, past, present and future actions, thoughts, and feelings; without judgment or criticism; and making peace with the reality that you will never be "perfect". You can read more on this here (Developing Self Compassion) or here (Universal Curative Processes).

4. Accepting Others: Once we are able to do that for ourselves, and recognize that nothing is necessarily "wrong" with us, but that we have problems just like everyone else, then we can pass along acceptance and understanding to those around us as well. You can read more about this here (Increasing Happiness). To me, the real healing from feeling defective is to accept the weaknesses and issues of others without judgment and criticism, but with compassion. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=364 Sun, 17 Jul 2011 18:19:00 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=359 Interpersonal Matrix
(Download full-size PDF)

For a quick primer on the earlier models, check out The Interpersonal Circle Model.

Friendly-Receptive v Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
The two columns of the Interpersonal Matrix mirror those from the circle: Friendly-Receptive and Aggressive-Rejecting. Essentially, Friendly moves are those that work to connect us with others in a supportive, caring, and constructive way . Aggressive moves are those that are generally involved in some kind of conflict where there is anger or a motivation diminish, harm, or defend against the other person.

Approach / Engage / Distance
The big departure from the circle model is in the styles of moves, represented by the rows of the matrix. In summary, Approaching is making a move that directly reveals thoughts and feelings; Engaging is being a direct participant in the communication; and Distancing is moving away from the other person or ending communication. There are many sub-versions of each move that I will post at some time in the future.

Complementarity
Like previous models, the Interpersonal Matrix also operates on the principle of "complementarity". This means that there are instinctual patterns of matching the communication moves of the other person. For example, when a teacher starts lecturing, students automatically go into a listening mode. One could also say that if the students sat passively ready for information, that the teacher would start teaching. This is complementarity. The most important thing here is that people usually match on being friendly or aggressive, which means that if you are friendly, the other person will likely be friendly, etc.

Friendly-Receptive Moves

Friendly Approach: Sharing thoughts, feelings, and information; making an offer or request; advising or teaching; expressing or asserting views; telling a story; pursuing contact; pleading; sending signals of interest, need, or current feelings.

Friendly Engagement: Connecting and joining with another person by being interested, validating, understanding, accepting, supportive, empathic, attentive, and caring; helpful, cooperative, agreeable, or compliant; inviting someone to communicate.

Friendly Distancing: Disengaging from, or avoiding an interaction in a friendly way, in emotional distress (hurt, fear, guilt, grief, etc), by request, or to prevent or diffuse a conflict; waiting for someone to make a move; taking or providing emotional space.

Aggressive-Rejecting Moves

Aggressive Approach: Being confrontational; directly or indirectly attacking, threatening, or accusing; criticizing, judging, or insulting; provoking or baiting someone into a conflict; being manipulative, controlling, or coercive; using social aggression.

Aggressive Engagement: Defensiveness (being offended, lawyering, denying, making pressured explanations, etc); being oppositional, resistant, indignant, or in protest; dismissive, inattentive, cold, sarcastic, or aloof; rebuffing; begrudgingly compliant.

Aggressive Distancing: Withdrawing or ending communication abruptly, with hostility, or to cause emotional distress; ignoring the other person, stonewalling, being unresponsive, unreachable, or closed-off from contact.

Using the Interpersonal Matrix
There are a number of ways to use this model. First, it can be used to track a general pattern of communicating with someone. You can retrace what happened in a specific discussion based on the Matrix, and then examine what could have been done differently to improve for next time.

Second, it can help us figure out what type of move we may want to make in advance. Specifically, if there is a pattern where someone becomes critical of you, and you become defensive, looking at the matrix can show you other ways to interact if that happens.

You can also use it to consider what someone else may be wanting from you. For example, usually when people share information (friendly approach), they are hoping for someone to listen and validate (friendly engagement), not necessarily give advice (friendly approach), critique what happened (aggressive approach), or only pretend to care (aggressive engagement).

Footnotes
A few things to note. First, this framework is very much in its infancy, and will continue to be regularly revised. Second, the 6 major styles are only loose groupings of moves, and there is often a behavior from one style that can be used for another purpose. Third, the reasons people choose certain moves are very complicated. Influences on the move someone makes at any given time include culture, power dynamics, emotion, personality, social role, personal history, relationship history, communication skills, and situational factors.

For any thoughts on the framework or how to make it better, contact me here. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=359 Fri, 1 Jul 2011 14:00:40 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=330 How Do People Change?
At the core, psychotherapy is about creating change, and there have been literally hundreds of theories created over the years to explain how people change. Generally, these range from altering thought patterns, processing emotions, making the unconscious conscious, reinforcing behavior, connecting to our mortality (like having a major health problem), developing new relationships, experiencing major consequences, providing incentives, learning and having new experiences, or connecting to something greater than the self. Unfortunately, during this time in world history, no one really knows for sure yet what the best approach is, but there is evidence that all of these and many more actually work, which is part of why counseling often uses them all.

Despite this range, one thing that we do know is the stages of change that we all move through. With a few exceptions (like when there is an immediate and overwhelming reason to change), this model holds true. This Transtheoretical Model of Change can be applied to almost anything, and it has incredible research support as well. The stages are:

1. Precontemplation: the person is not planning to make a change and is likely unaware that the behavior is problematic
2. Contemplation: the person recognizes that there is a problems and is considering making a change sometime in the future
3. Preparation: the person is planning to make a change in the near future and is starting to take small steps
4. Action: the person is implementing the change
5. Maintenance: the person has stabilized the change and is actively keeping it up

A classic example of this would be someone trying to quit smoking. In precontemplation, the person smokes and is either unaware that this is a health risk or is uninterested in making changes anyway. In contemplation, the person may know that smoking is a health risk and has the idea of wanting to quit in the future, maybe within the next 6mo or a year. In preparation, the person is researching how to quit, may set a quit date, and is ready to make the change happen within the next month or so. In action, the person has begun the process of cutting down or quitting; and in maintenance, the person has held to the change.

If you are looking to make a change in your life, it means you are already at least in contemplation. If you are there, you may start to think about what the next steps are for making the change, or what is preventing you from taking the next step right now. If you are in preparation, maybe this article is giving you more information to do what you are trying to do. A helpful thing in this stage can be setting a timeline for implementation, or accessing more resources to make it happen, like going to counseling.

Can I Change Someone Else?
Questions about how to change someone else are some of the most common things I get asked in therapy. Since relationships are so central to most of our lives, when someone is doing something disruptive, we often wish the person would just change and make everything better. Unfortunately, we are going to go with the bad news first: 90% or more of efforts to change someone else are futile, especially if the person is in precontemplation. Conventional wisdom says that we cannot change others, but we can change our reactions to them. Based on that, I'd encourage you to read these three other articles first instead of this one if you are someone who is often hoping for other people in your life to change: Acceptance Model of Relationship Change; Over-functioning & Under-functioning; Universal Curative Factors.

So if you are still looking to change another person, it can be important to keep the aforementioned stages in mind, and realize that this is a long term process, rather than something that will instantly happen. Otherwise, there are three major approaches to take in trying to change someone else: voicing a concern / making a request, motivational interviewing, and long term conditioning. However, remember that much of this may not be received well by the other person if they feel coerced or if their best interest in not stated well.

1. Voicing Concern / Making a Request: It's amazing how often we skip simply saying that something is hurtful or that we are concerned about the person. If it is done, usually I hear about it being said in frustration or in a heated argument, which is usually not effective. Basically, doing this well can be tricky, so using the model of How to Say Hard Things can be a potential guide for another approach.

2. Motivational Interviewing: The key with this is in helping people to move through the stages of change by directing specific interventions toward them. For someone in precontemplation that would mean providing some information to help the person recognize that there is a problem and there is a need to change. In contemplation it would mean identifying and removing specific barriers to change. In preparation it would mean assisting the person in planning the actual change. In action it would mean supporting and validating the progress. In maintenance it would mean reinforcing and support the change that was made to help the person stay on track. All of these must come in a supportive and compassionate environment to be effective.

3. Long Term Conditioning: The key here is setting up a consistent set of rewards and punishments for certain behaviors that can result in change over longer periods of time. The basics of this are implementing things that will make the target behavior unlikely to happen again, which include positive punishment (adding something unpleasant) or negative punishment (taking away something pleasant). Additionally, things that will make another behavior more likely to happen again include positive reinforcement (adding something pleasant) or negative reinforcement (removing something unpleasant). Over extensive periods of time, if something like this was applied, it would be likely to produce at least some kind of change in someone else, as long as it was consistently applied, the rewards and punishments were sufficient, and tied to the behaviors directly.

Enemies of Change
The enemies of changing yourself or helping someone else change are criticism and impatience. Being critical and judgmental often has the opposite of the hoped for outcome. A lot of people come into my office and describe criticizing someone or voicing concern in a judgmental tone, and they are "shocked" that the response wasn't something like "wow you know... I never saw it that way before. I will change that right away! Thank you for telling me!" Instead they end up receiving defensiveness, a deeper entrenching of the problem, and a more tense relationship. Impatience is equally damaging, since it can take a long time for change to happen. Losing patience can stunt your progress, or that of the other person.

In conclusion, I often think it is more beneficial for people in close relationships or other interpersonal situations to work on acceptance, tolerance, and personal change rather than changing others, but there is occasionally a place for doing some of these things within a supportive and loving relationship. Fortunately, counseling can help you move through these processes or work on acceptance and making the best of what is possible without requiring a change.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=330 Sat, 11 Jun 2011 13:15:28 -0400