http://willmeekphd.com/ Will Meek PhD en-us Nucleus CMS v3.32 � Weblog http://backend.userland.com/rss http://willmeekphd.com//nucleus/nucleus2.gif http://willmeekphd.com/ http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=247
To make the picture even more bleak, there are a few things that start us off with even less ability, including amount of sleep in the preceding nights, experiencing fatigue, being hungry, having some kind of negative emotions (anger, sadness, jealousy, etc), or just not being very motivated.

Implications
This has major implications for our lives. First, it offers a great explanation for why some things may be difficult to do later in the day than earlier. One example is that many of the couples I work with end up having their biggest fights at the end of the day. One explanation is that it is the only time they see each other, but it is often much more than that. Having a conflict later in the day means that each partner is likely in a state of ego depletion (they have made countless decisions over the day, may be fatigued, and are then experiencing negative emotions), making the chance of anything going well very small.

Second, it explains why sustaining efforts to make changes in our lives is difficult. When the task we are doing requires more effort, our resources are used up quicker. For example, if you are trying to make a very difficult and large change, it is like picking up a heavier weight to do your bicep curls. At your best you could do a few before you wore out.

What Can We Do?
There are a few things we can do to help minimize the experience of ego depletion.

1. Get enough sleep. If you are starting off with less ability to self-regulate because you aren't sleeping enough, then this can be the best place to start.

2. Understand how it works in your life: Take a look at how ego depletion may occur with you and get a feel for how you can notice you experiencing it.

3. Prepare: If you are able to know that there are certain times of the day that you will need to be on your game, or that you will be entering a period of time of increased stress, then make a mental note of that ahead of time. This helps us "conserve" some of our resources.

4. HALT: This concept is nothing new to people involved in 12-step programs. For years, the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) has been used to indicate being at risk for relapse. Stopping what you are doing when you recognize that you are about to make a poor decision takes some energy, but scraping some resources together at those moments can really help you avoid some big consequences.

5. Be Compassionate to Yourself: We sometimes have a tendency to compound our emotional strain when we become disappointed and angry with ourselves for falling into the ego depletion trap. If this is effective in getting you back on track then great, but for most of us it just makes us feel worse and makes it even harder. Try letting yourself off the hook once if this happens, you are human after all, and this is just a fact of normal human life.

For more on making positive change, check out my post on "The Secrets of Changing". ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=247 Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:00:32 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=244
The treatments themselves also usually have similar properties to them. First, they claim to offer incredible results beyond what is traditionally known for credible approaches like talk therapy (sometimes instant and near miracle like results are promised). Second, they almost always come from some kind of private industry or fringe charismatic inventor. Third, they are often rejected by scientific understanding or research, and continue to be taught through workshops rather than in universities.

Here in the northwest, we collectively operate on a different wavelength than other parts of the nation, and are usually more interested in alternative treatments and methods. I think this is wonderful, as long as there is evidence to back it up. If not, people end up spending a lot of money on treatments that are not effective, or are simply a lot of smoke and mirrors covering up a very basic psychological principle that is easily applied in more direct ways. The most common of these at the current time are Eye Movement Desensitization Reprogramming (EMDR), Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), and the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

EMDR
This approach is very widely practiced and for some period of time was accepted as a mainstream treatment approach. It might be the most successful of these things of all time. The theory is that when we experience something traumatic and do not process the experience and memories properly, we are left with a variety of symptoms, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In EMDR the patient is asked to watch the therapist's hand (or a light machine) move back and forth while discussing the traumatic memories. The belief was that this eye movement helps "reprogram" the brain, and early results showed people felt a lot better after doing some EMDR.

However, recent research has proven the critics right: the eye movements are not necessary at all, and what was really happening was that just the talking and sharing of the experience was the therapeutic element. This "exposure" is one of the most robust findings in all of psychological change research, and can be accomplished with a close friend over coffee or with a fancy light machine. Either way people feel better. This has even resulted in the Veterans Administration to recently revise their website on PTSD treatment (see it here). The good news is that EMDR does help, but you could get the same effect or even better results with a more traditional approach.

NLP
This is one of the growing fad treatments but has been around since the 70s. Essentially, it is a collection of basic ideas about communication repackaged and given a fancy new name that sounds "science-y". Research throughout the 80s and 90s discredited NLP and it has been rejected by the mainstream psychological community for many years. However, special workshops and a cottage industry continues to profit on NLP.

The most interesting thing about NLP is that it is nearly impossible to find out exactly what it is. Almost every free resource dedicated to it will not give any specific techniques or ideas. This is always a red flag because real treatments are widely taught to everyone willing to listen in credible institutions, not just by salespeople in expensive hotel workshops.

EFT
The Emotional Freedom Technique is also very well named. Who doesn't want to free themselves from the shackles of painful emotions? EFT is the latest wave of a type of approach that involves tapping on your body while you say things. The belief is that tapping on specific "nodes" such as the space between your eyes, the space under your nose, and under your arm will help properly reorganize "energy fields" around the body to relieve symptoms. While doing the tapping, people repeat phrases over and over like "I am going to have a good day today" and "I am a good person". Big surprise here: when people do this they feel better.

Again we see a basic helpful process (giving yourself positive affirmations) repackaged with some other false explanation and technique. There is no research to support EFT, and the tapping is has never had enough credit to even be discredited, but there is some to support telling yourself positive things. Just go ahead and do this without the tapping on yourself.

Caveat Emptor / "Buyer Beware"
My advice is that as you look for a therapist (or are already working with one), and something tells you that what you are doing feels strange, makes your uncomfortable, or does not seem to make much sense, then question it and get more information. Doing this research ahead of time can save you a lot of time and money, and may help you direct yourself toward someone that is offering a more credible solution.

I'd suggest that if you are looking for help, give a more traditional approach a try. I have some advice for how to choose a therapist here. If that hasn't worked, consider trying someone with a different style of traditional approach or experience level, or moving to medication if you have more severe symptoms. I also have a list of alternative techniques with some credibility here, and I will be writing a post soon about universal processes of change.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=244 Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:05:38 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=242 Complementarity
One basic principle of the circle is of "complementarity", which means that there is a natural match on the circle for a particular style of communicating. For example, think of a teacher and a student, with the teacher talking while the student is naturally in a position of listening. This would represent a "friendly" dynamic on the circle, but more on that in a minute.

The Circle
Below you will see a diagram of a simplified version of the interpersonal circle. The left side of the circle represents aggressive positions, while the right side are friendly positions. The top of the circle represents a dominant position, while the bottom represents a passive position. That leaves us with 4 basic positions: dominant aggressive (DA), passive aggressive (PA), dominant friendly (DF), and passive friendly (PF). Think back to the teacher and the student. The teacher is in DF and the student is in PF. In an aggressive dynamic, think about someone making a sarcastic remark under his breath (PA), and the other person's response being a verbal assault (DA). These are the natural complementary pairings.



Conflict
Conflict can arise in communication in two ways. First, if there is a natural aggressive dynamic. The other is when two people are trying to take the same position. For example, if two people are trying to be in DF, some frustration may grow from two people trying to have control of a conversation, even if it started in a friendly manner. Or think about an experience where a group was trying to make dinner plans and everyone was going for a PF position, leaving no one to decide on a restaurant. When these happen, someone often takes another position, moving the conversation back into a more natural flow, otherwise everyone would starve!

How to Use This
The best part of having this knowledge is that it allows the more aware person to have power in maintaining or creating a friendly dynamic. For example, if someone was in a DA position with you, there are four potential moves 1) fight for control of the DA position and start yelling back, 2) or you would move into PA and continue the aggressive dynamic by chipping away at the person, 3) in a firm but friendly tone state that you will not participate in a conversation with that kind of aggression, or 4) become calm and polite and honestly listen. If you can access these possibilities during any type of communication, you may see more options and possibilities for having smoother and more productive conversations. I also think this is a great model for couples to use together to better articulate where difficulty happens in their relationship. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=242 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 15:09:35 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=226
This can be done in a variety of ways, and the following model is just one example, but is a way that I have found helpful personally and with many clients.

1. Unfinished Business
The first step of doing this is making an assessment of what type of business is left unfinished. A way to make this assessment is to look in detail at what has occurred, and identify the specific people or events that are still emotionally charged.

The next part is examining what the legacy of the events has been on your life by linking the events to current issues. For example, if you were bullied as a young person, the legacy of this might still be that you are afraid to be yourself in social situations. You may also find that there has not been any long term legacy. Once this is placed together you now have a more complete and up-to-date version of the story, and know what business is left unfinished.

2. Reorganizing the Story
This second step involves determining what action needs to be taken to address the legacy of the events and the events or people themselves. I often promote dealing with the legacy (current issues) of the events through counseling. We have fewer options for the past, but working on acceptance of what happened and forgiveness (you can read about my model of forgiveness here), as well gathering new information and understanding about the people or events, can be very powerful.

3. Making Peace
This final step is reorganizing the story and taking any final action. There can be great value in telling or writing the complete story with full information about the people involved, taking about the legacy, and then the steps you have taken through this process to finish the business and move on. I also promote doing some kind of personal ceremony or ritual to mark these changes.

So the key ingredients here are clearly identifying the events and people, understanding the legacy, learning new ways of being through counseling to address the present issues, gathering new information and perspective related to the past, dealing with acceptance and forgiveness, and reorganizing the story to be more complete and placed in the proper context. And then finally, you are truly back to living in the present.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=226 Thu, 6 May 2010 16:36:49 -0400 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=220 Unfreezing: The basic premise here is that at individual and group levels, we engage in patterns of behavior, communication, and ways of being in the world that create some kind of stasis (an equilibrium). This is resistant to change, even if there are clearly beneficial alternatives. For change to occur, there needs to be an unfreezing of this stasis, meaning a readiness and motivation to change. I see one of my jobs as a therapist as helping clients identify and unfreeze patterns and ways of being that are causing negative life experiences and emotions.

Transitioning: Once the unfreezing has occurred, new patterns and ways can be developed and put into action. In this phase of counseling, I collaborate with my clients to find things that are healthier alternatives or more productive strategies to living the life they want. Part of this stage is generally some stress and anxiety, and impulses to go back to the old way. In families or groups, this strain can be difficult to tolerate, and filled with moves from others to create guilt, anxiety, and anger. Another job I perform as a therapist is helping people stay actively engaged in the new ways, rather than slipping back, even in the midst of this storm and stress.

Crystallizing: This is the final phase of change, and represents a "refreezing" of the new patterns. It is important that the new things are not just identified, but practiced and integrated into daily life, or they will be less likely to hold over time. This part is what is missing from a lot of basic understanding about counseling, and one of the reasons longer term therapy is more predictive of success over time. The crystallizing phase can be seen as a stage of integration and making the changes that occurred permanent.

If you are in, or planing to go to counseling, consider these stages with you concerns, and make sure that if you are looking for more permanent changes and solutions, that you follow through until the crystallizing stage, or else it can be more difficult for the things you identify to hold over time. It is also important to note that there isn't a set number of sessions this could take, and the speed is contingent on level of motivation for change, quickness in developing and implementing the new ways, and history and complexity of the current patterns. For some people with some problems this could mean a handful or even one session, for others it could mean significantly more.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=220 Sun, 7 Mar 2010 12:12:01 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=209
A. Stay connected in anger/depression (status quo)
B. End the relationship (cutoff)
C. Make the best of what is possible (transformation)

All are viable and justified options at any given time with any relationship, but the work I usually do with my young adult clients in a difficult relationship with a parent, is move from A to C (most of them see B as a last resort). One basic belief I have about these situations is that the adult child is responsible for beginning the transformation if he/she is not satisfied with the status quo, which by itself often brings reactions like "I shouldn't have to do that, she (mom) should just start listening to me!" or "I have been doing that but he (dad) just doesn't get it!"

That brings me to a brief model of option C.

1. Accept. Real acceptance of someone means that you make peace with how another person is, good, bad, and ugly, without judgment, and without requiring them to change. You can still disagree with how someone behaves or the choices he/she makes (and can speak your mind on this too), but you accept that the other person lives differently than you do. This means some wants/needs of yours may never be met by this person. One helpful tool in doing this is to really examine this person's life from his/her shoes to understand what he/she has lived through (developing empathy). In this context it is often easier to understand why someone is a certain way. Another part of this is acknowledgment of your own shortcomings (we all have some), and working on forgiveness.

2. Expect. Part two is that whatever the way the person is that troubles the relationship (criticism, lack of support, guilt trips, etc), you begin to expect that this will continue indefinitely, and then prepare for how to deal with it. If you can prepare for comments or types of situations ahead of time with honest but loving responses (and have been working on acceptance), you can start to transform the communication style of the relationship. Therapy is great for working through these types of situations and developing new ways to communicate, and possibly working on assertiveness and communicating your experience of the interactions in new ways.

3. Make the Best. It would be wonderful if we could all have loving, healthy, and respectful relationships with our parents, that can go to the depths of contact that we would want all the time, but that simply does not happen. In this final stage, you would work on having the best relationship you can form with this person as he or she is, not how you wish him/her to be.

Doing all of this can take years for it to really work through and setup new patterns, but some change can occur quickly. Additionally, there are some other elements to consider. First, sometimes people do change (from a new insight, a life changing event, therapy, etc). Being able to hope for this and give opportunities to embrace growth, without becoming disappointed if it doesn't happen, is an important skill. Second, there is another thread throughout all of this, which is you own personal development and ability to communicate honestly about your life and feelings. This model does not mean bottling up your thoughts and living an inauthentic relationship with someone. I'll write more on this in the future.
]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=209 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 12:37:29 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=205 feel during any given day or period of time in our life can be different, even if we don't have the words to describe it. For example, sometimes we are deeply engaged, aware, and present, which I call "living". This style of being feels good, and we are alive with energy and able to connect to ourselves, others, and the world. When we are really living, we embrace our lives and potential, and make the most of our time. In contrast, there are times we feel disengaged, disconnected, unconscious, and distant. Some people say "I feel like a zombie" or that they are on "autopilot", or in "survival mode". This is what I refer to as "existing". Our bodies are still breathing and pumping blood, but our souls are not. Before going further, I want to make a distinction from another of these dichotomies: doing vs being, which is very different and for another time and blog post.

We often move into existing when we are stressed, defended, exhausted, or overwhelmed by obligations or the world. We retreat into ourselves, or shut off as a protective mechanism. But this is not all bad. Sometimes we have to be just exist to conserve resources or to restore ourselves. Think about needing to "veg" by watching empty TV for a bit after a draining day of work. Other people do this with some kind of substance use or escapism. The key is that if we are healthy, we can choose to go into existing and shut off for a temporary period of time.

However, if existing (rather than living) becomes an automatic state or a primary way of being, life can start to feel empty and flat. It can look something like "functional depression" where our bodies move through the day but we are otherwise absent. Our physical health (sleep diet exercise) can also have a major effect on this. If it is beyond a physical health issue, counseling can help.

To apply this to your life, try moving through a day or week with some awareness of this concept. When do you feel like you are living? Right after lunch? When you finished laughing with a friend? When you hug your child? How about existing? After 4 hours on the computer? On the commute home? Hanging out alone on Friday night? After a fight with your partner?

This information can give some ideas on what contributes to your living vs existing. Once you have a good idea about it, see if you can start to choose when to move between rather than letting it just happen. The result will feel like you are just a bit more in control of how you live.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=205 Sat, 6 Feb 2010 17:12:28 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=201 reliving", and it is understandable why we put so much effort into avoiding this material if our only way to work with it is to experience it all over again. I hold reliving in contrast to "remembering", which is when we can look at the past material from our current position, rather than be transported back in time. When we are able to do this, we are more likely to be able to recall old feelings without becoming trapped in the past. The steps I try to help people follow to move into remembering are:

1. Center yourself in the present: this means orienting yourself to you current age, place, and time. For example, "I am 37 years old, sitting in my living room in January 2010". This can help if you close your eyes and really feel being here now. Take some time with this.

2. Look backward at events that have passed: this means maintaining your current position in the present, in a safe place, looking back at what happened, and remembering what you felt and experienced then.

3. Making sense of it now: this is a crucial step, and it is putting the experience into context of everything that has happened since. What does it feel like looking back on it now. For example, being able to say "I lived through that, it got me off track for awhile, but I have become a stronger person since."

Most people doing this experience a change of reference that brings different thoughts and feelings about the old material that they had before, and it allows them to engage what happened in new and productive ways, and even forgive themselves or the others involved. This works best for situations that are not ongoing or are in the more distant past, but can be useful anytime you may find yourself trapped in painful old memories.

I also want to add that if some of this old painful stuff seems to just come up and take you into reliving before you can even choose, I would suggest pausing, and then orienting yourself to the present, just like in step 1. When successful, this allows you to maintain a different level of control over how you examine things.

Additionally, for serious traumatic experiences, there is often a lot of other work that needs to happen before this will work for you, which can occur in therapy. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=201 Sun, 31 Jan 2010 14:25:20 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=131 1. Before you start writing, decide EXACTLY what the goal of the letter is. Sometimes there are so many feelings we have to express that once we get going on our letters it can become a mess that will very likely not be read in the way you hope, and at worst can make you look a little unhinged. Sit down and figure out exactly what the purpose of the letter is ahead of time and stick with it.

2. Make every single sentence fit the goal. If the goal is to apologize and an invitation to reconnect, then make sure that ALL of the stuff in the letter serves these purposes. Don't make stray comments that are irrelevant to the goals, that is for another time, conversation, or letter, not this one.

3. Imagine how the receiver might read the letter. The key here is not figuring out how you might read the letter, but how will this specific person interpret it. Think about what you know about him/her and how he/she responds to the type of things you are writing. Is there any way you have something worded that could trigger the opposite of the reaction you are hoping for? If so, then prepare for that or change it.

4. Have someone read it over that you trust. I recommend that you let a third party that you trust (who is not involved in any way with the situation other than as your support) take a look and give you honest feedback about the tone and whether it fits the purpose of the letter. Having this person read it over can help you see some blind spots or areas the person you are sending it to might read into in ways that do not serve your goals well.

5. If you are writing an angry letter, don't send it for a week (if ever). Writing angry letters is a great exercise to get out some feelings for yourself, but rarely does sending them lead to anything except the other person reacting with major defensiveness and you looking unstable. If you are compelled to send it, wait a full week after you have written it, and read it again before you finally send it. I usually encourage people to write the first angry letter for their private use, and then write a more tempered letter about their hurt that actually gets sent.]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=131 Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:03:00 -0500 http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=192
1. What is happening?
2. Why is it happening?
3. What do I do about it?
4. How do I do it?Depending on how much work has already been done, people can come to therapy with varying levels of answers. I have a lot of clients that see me after several courses of therapy with other providers where they get the first three answered very well, but the therapy stalls on the fourth, and they are hoping I can help.

Consider someone who may experience a moderate level of depression coming to counseling. After a couple weeks he hears: 1) you are experiencing a depressive episode, 2) a combination of a biological vulnerability and the current major losses in your life, 3) become more active, change your thought processes, create meaning out of the losses. However, the fourth is often unexamined.

The reasons the fourth question is so hard is because it takes creativity and courage to get right. There are unique factors in every type of happening, and at the end of the process we still have to enact the plan. When therapy can take all of the insight and planning of the first three questions and then get the fourth right, it becomes truly transformative.

We can also make mistakes if we skip any of the questions and move right into action. People who are less interested in understanding their feelings, the history of the situation, and how it fits into the larger context of their lives, may try to rush through something uncomfortable. The good news is that occasionally this can really work, but the danger is that without answering question 2, we are more likely to find ourselves in the same uncomfortable position in the future.

If you are in therapy and feeling stuck, write out your four questions for each issue you are working on and see how much you can answer so far. If you are struggling on the “how” question, really try and focus in on that with your therapist, and try to access your creativity and courage together. The result could be the breakthrough you are waiting for. ]]> Blog http://willmeekphd.com/index.php?itemid=192 Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:19:56 -0500